Special Needs Kids and Bullying

Special Needs Kids and Bullying

More on Violence

Domestic Violence- Physical, verbal and emotional abuse from a family member such as a spouse or parent. According to Silent Witness National Initiative the overall trend of domestic violence was going down but their stastics end before the current recession started. With job loss and economic hardship I think it is unlikely the downward trend has continued. Add to that people are stuck in marriages they do not want to be in. So the cycle continues. To reduce this form of violence will take nothing less than a total transformation of our culture. For more information see The Domestic Violence Resource Center.

Sexual Violence- From the WHO -
"Sexual violence is a serious public health and human rights problem with both short- and long-term consequences on women's physical, mental, and sexual and reproductive health. Whether sexual violence occurs in the context of an intimate partnership, within the larger family or community structure, or during times of conflict, it is a deeply violating and painful experience for the survivor." 

I'd like to add men and children also can be victims of sexual violence.

It is not about sex but power. Here in the USA, being powerful and aggressive is valued and encouraged for men while these same traits are discouraged in women. In some circles having sex is equated to a "conquest."   However, this is only one of many causes. Another is dehumanization. Women or other victims are reduced to "objects" rendering them undeserving of basic rights and protections. This occurs often in high conflict areas such as wars. The sad cold truth is sexual violence is still culturally acceptable. If you are on this website, you are only a few keystrokes and clicks away from images and videos of torture, humiliation and rape of women men and even children. Continued gender stereotyping is everywhere. "When she says NO she really means YES."  As stated before sexual violence can include both male and male and female and female as well as male and female. Sexual violence can be against children as well. Again, will take a huge culture change to greatly reduce the often hidden amount of sexual violence that takes place every day.

Structural Violence- Cultural and governmental structures put into place which do harm to communities and peoples by putting into place a built in inequality. Israel's treatment of Palestine is a clear example. Even so called free societies are not free of structural violence but it can be more subtle. American "culture wars" is a more subtle form. Women and members of the LGBT community are singled out for unequal treatment based mostly on religious beliefs. This denial of equal treatment under the law not only harms others but also keeps the existing power structure in place. Gays are denied the same basic rights and freedoms as married heterosexual couples. The most powerful use "culture wars" to help maintain their positions. While you are voting "against" gays, you are unknowingly voting for the removal of social safety nets, more war profiteering and increasing income inequality.  Neoliberalism.

Slow Violence- Slowly unfolding harm done to entire communities or peoples. The poisoning of air and water that leads to suffering and illness. Some examples of this include areas of unsafe resource exploitation, denying entire groups of basic rights and freedoms and manufacture and distribution of unsafe products.   

On Violence

Violence

vi·o·lence

   [vahy-uh-luhns]  Show IPA

noun

1.

swift and intense force: the violence of a storm.

2.

rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment: to die by violence.

3.

an unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights or laws:to take over a government by violence.

4.

a violent  act or proceeding.

5.

rough or immoderate vehemence, as of feeling or language: the violence of his hatred.

Violence is an easy term to understand. But it also comes in many flavors. They are all harmful in one way or another. Let's consider a few. 

Direct Violence - This is the version we are all most familiar with. Violent crime or person on person violence. The amount of direct violence we witness every day via the TV is unreal. Consider this, by the time a kid reaches elementary school, they have seen 8,000 murders on TV and 100,000 acts of violence. No, I did not make this up, look here. Check out this as well. Violent acts make up a huge part of TV news as well both local and national. This helps build ratings and profits, yet only a fraction of violence makes the news. We rarely hear about the child facing verbal and physical abuse day in or day out or the wife or girlfriend caught up in an abusive relationship. Their suffering is no less tragic and needs addressing. Despite violent crime going down, fear of violence is alive and well.   

Here in the USA the fear of violence is a driving force. How can we call ourselves "The Home of The Brave" with a straight face?  Fear drives much of our obsession with guns and the military. People keep loaded guns in both their homes and cars, more often than not ending in tragedy. If you are a gun owner, you are statistically more likely to be harmed by your own gun than use it defending yourself. Simple truth. We would rather have the illusion of safety than real safety it seems.  More guns do not translate into less violence and a safer world. We Americans are proof of that. We have by far and away the most guns and the most murders in the entire world. I don't blame it all on the guns but easy access to firearms exacerbates other problems with deep roots in American history and culture. We are not only afraid of each other, we are are also afraid of everyone else. 

We outspend the rest of the entire world on our military. 9/11/01 gave the powers that be a justification for dramatic spending not only on the military but law enforcement as well. What sense does it make to fight terrorism with the terrorism of state sponsored war? Many died on 9/11 from some assholes flying planes into buildings. Many more have died in the wars that followed and are still on going. How does continuing The War of Terrorism  stop terrorism when war is terror by another name? State Violence anyone?

State Violence- Occurs when the state uses it’s powers to harm own citizens. There are the obvious examples, Nazi Germany, Stalinist Russia and Pol Pot’s Cambodia. These are extreme examples of states turning on their own citizens. State violence can be measured on a spectrum with the three already mentioned on one side and Western Democracies on the other. Now, this is not to say Western Democracies are without their fair share of wrong doing. They too have plenty to be held accountable for but killing massive numbers of their own people is not one of them (except the US). The US practiced what we would today call ethnic cleansing and genocide on the native peoples of this continent. No one was held to account for this horrific wrong committed against an entire culture. I think one could argue this rises to the level of a Hitler or a Pol Pot but the passage of time along with the winners writing the narrative makes it somehow seem less so. If you disagree, I’d ask you to look here and here. The numbers are pretty bad. Murdering people in huge numbers is still a crime against humanity no matter when or where it takes place. States don’t just murder their own. They use other forms of violence as well.

Minority oppression is all too common among existing states. There may be countries that have no history of minority oppression right down to this day but I cannot think of one. While people may not be out right killed, in too many places (one is too many) minorities face beatings, police harassment and structural violence. There are numerous examples of this going on all over the globe as you read this. Vietnam and the Montinynards, Central American countries and indigenous peoples Israelis and Arabs, America and black Africans, the list could go on and on. The violence is similar in each case and while in many places progress is being made, there is still a very long way to go. State Violence can also be unleashed on people with different ideas.

The idea of a more equitable and just world put forward by Occupy movements the world over have met with violent reactions here in the US. When discrediting, mockery and ridicule fail to work the back up is force. Massive amounts of resources are arrayed against largely peaceful demonstrators. Police armed better than a lot of armies are deployed against loosely organized peaceful demonstrators. Demonstrations are broken up and key people are arrested (sometimes even before a demonstration occurs). The state uses media influence to put fourth an "official" narrative about what happens from the law enforcement / government's point of view. Few if any questions are raised about why the protests are happening in the first place.     

In the next post, we'll examine the following: 
Sexual & Domestic Violence

Structural Violence 

Slow Violence 

Workplace Bullying Costs too Much

People do not become bullies overnight. It is a process, a learned process. There is no quick and easy remedy. If I stand up to the bully, and he then leaves me alone, I may have just redirected the poor behavior. I'm not a psychologist, so I cannot pretend I know what causes a person to become a bully. I'll look at the problem from another angle, organizational culture.

Too many management types see bullying as the best way to get things done. "I get results." And often they do get results, but these are short-term and are not the employee's best effort. If top management is only looking at the bottom line, and things are okay, they will not be likely to question how they got there. Keep doing what you are doing Mr. Boss. There is are hidden costs to this mean style of management. First, being a bully-type manager creates a miserable work environment for everyone, including the bully-manager. Then there are other costs such as lower production, absenteeism, and sabotage. That's right, employees will rebel against this kind of management in subtle and not so subtle ways. They will not share the goals of an employer they hate. In extreme cases, bullying leads to violence in the work place. What to do?

I think it starts with top level management. It is good to hire good people and stay out of their way, but top leadership need to know what is going on at all levels of the company or organization. Good leaders know how to get the best out of people. They know a person who loves their job will go the extra mile when called upon to do so while the person operating from a place of fear will do the minimum to get by or even less. A happy work-force makes better business sense. Mid and lower level managers and supervisors need to think long term about what is best, not only meeting today's goals. Creating a supportive work environment where employees feel valued, listened to and supported leads to less absenteeism, better overall health and improved performance. Non-management employees need to be supportive of each other, and speak up when bullying occurs.If enough people speak out, positive change can be driven from the bottom up. The worst thing any of us can do is nothing. The costs of a bullying environment are too high to ignore.           

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For more reading, look here.

Beyond School Bullies

Been thinking about Bullies. We're all too often hearing about kids being literally being bullied to death. They are taking their own lives. I think it is something we have all experienced at one time or another, and if we are honest with ourselves, we may not have always been the victim. I shared my experience with the school bully here and here. Sadly, this behavior has moved far beyond the school yard. Bullies can be found in almost any organization, even churches. What do we mean by "Bully?"

Bully- a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. This is according to dictionary.com.   

I'd say this is as good a definition as any. So we got a definition, but what causes people to become bullies? I'm cautious when trying to "define" anyone. Bulling is a behavior, not a person. Joey may act like a bully at school sometimes, but he's still liked by his peers, and not a bad guy over all. If we slap the "Bully" label on him, are we not actually dehumanizing him? "Oh, he's just a bully. He got what he deserved." We need to remember to separate the behavior from the person. If Joey is in school, he's still just a kid. The boss who uses bullying to get his or her way is still a human being. Our roles change as we go through the day. Is it possible the bully boss may also be a good parent or spouse? Sure. The behavior is not always the person. Like all behaviors, bullying is learned. Something got the bully boss to that point. Was he or she bullied by their boss earlier in their career? They may see fear and intimidation as the best way to get results. Many businesses and organizations have a hierarchical structure that gives some more authority than others. There are a lot of management types out there that view bullying their employees as the best way to get things done. New managers coming in have no reason to feel otherwise and the behavior continues. And while the company may be doing okay, everyone is miserable  Abuse begets abuse. This can clearly be seem in families where the abused grows up to be the abuser. It is what they have learned, and, sadly, all they know. The person demonstrating bully behavior, is doing so because that's what they have learned, and it is re-enforced with approving behavior. In the business world, the bottom line is what matters most, and if a few are bullied along the way, so be it. There is a bright side. New behaviors can be learned. 

The bully manager can learn to get better results from his or her employees with more positive management strategies. He or she can be shown examples of more successful businesses where the employees are happy. Bullied employees can learn new methods to counter the behavior in such a way that does not keep re-enforcing the behavior. The company can implement different methods of conflict resolution such as the use of an ombudsman. What's needed for this kind of change to be brought about is a simple recognition of the status quo having to change. Stressed employees  cost money in a number of different ways, everything from absenteeism, to less productivity, to work place violence. Is bullying really the best way to get the most out of people? Well, I don't think so.             

We'll pick up what YOU can do in the next post. 

More information :
Workplace Bullying

More Defined

Bullying and Civil Rights

On Truth

We all have a notion of what the truth is. But can there really be a Capital T Truth? I guess there is in math. It is true 2 +2 = 4. The hard sciences, like physics, have Capital T Truths like planets orbit stars and so on. We can figure some of these things out. But when it comes to relationships with our fellow human beings, hard truths become more elusive. Memories fade, new experiences further cloud our minds and the relentless march of time changes our perspective. Think of all the cases where eyewitnesses were proven wrong mistaking identity with sometimes-disastrous effects. How do we KNOW what we know? We create stories to explain events. Sometimes our stories miss or leave out important details. Accepting such mistakes is not easy. It can be hard admitting we were wrong about something. When we do, we have to examine ourselves more closely, as well as how we create our inner stories. In a culture where we are supposed to be strong, and not make mistakes hard self-reflection is not easy. Our egos, shaped by a hyper-individualistic, culture don't take the idea of possibly being wrong well. Admitting fault or error shows weakness. How does all of this play out in an on going dispute?

I feel strongly that I was wronged, and my feelings have been hurt. I cannot understand how things got to this point, and I'm stressed out wishing it would just "go away." To resolve the issue, I'm going to have to let go a little and walk in the other person's shoes. It is much easier to write this than really do it. I will have to rethink my story about what has transpired, and get past the I'm right and you're wrong notion I've been holding on to. I, like many people, will need a good reason to doubt my own conclusions. Otherwise, I'll not resolve anything. I'll just carry on saying he or she is a so and so (insert your favorite expletive), and not much will change. I have to have a good reason to re-open old wounds and hurts. The relationship with this person must be more valuable than holding onto old hurts. Family is a good example. We cannot change our family members. Our parents will always be our parents. It could be a good long-term business relationship. I feel like I was done wrong. Should I end an otherwise good, and mutually beneficial relationship? If the answer is "No," I need to resolve the problem. I have to be in the right place mentally.

I need to be able to think of the Truth, subjectively. Others also have what they consider Truth and I need to be open to considering their point of view. If I'm going into try and resolve an old hurt, I need to back off from merely defending "my position." One way to do this is go for a helicopter ride. Not literally but intellectually. By this I mean to take myself out of the situation, and survey the whole area around the conflict. I may be able to see important things I've missed that can be used to reach an agreeable and just outcome. All involved need to shed their fear of heights, and come out from the barricades egos have built up over time to take a fresh view of what has transpired. If those involved cannot agree, at least in principal, to let go a little there is little hope of truly resolving anything. Just agreeing to talk openly and honestly is a big step in the right direction. At the very least, we can learn some new information.        

A few Sunday morning thoughts... 

Some Basics

Alternative Dispute Resolution

Why and When to Call

Carolina Animal Rescue & Adoption 

Why do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

When members view meetings as being unproductive and getting in the way of their work instead of helpful and productive, a facilitator may be helpful. There can be times when a few individuals "take over meetings" for better or for worse. Not everyone is being heard from and valuable input may be getting lost. A sensitive subject may lead to strong feelings being expressed unprofessionally with employees attacking each other rather than the problem. People fall into habits meeting regularly over time. The joker does her thing, the whiner does his thing, Mr. Grumpy is the same ole grumpy. Those ceiling tile counters continue to quietly sit there with a blank stare adding nothing. The dominator tries to control things. The bottom line is things are not getting accomplished.

When do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

If any or all of the above are slowing down your organization, it is likely also costing money in lost time and productivity. How long can you afford "business as usual?"         

Perspective.

Heavy Reading.

This is well beyond the kind of work I do but it may help keep things in perspective.

-Paul

Motion of Emotions

Being in a stressful situation can really get your emotions going! Being really angry or sad is not the best state to be in to make good clear decisions. Often, we find ourselves having to offer up apologies for things we did or said when anger got the better of us. That's never a good feeling. There are ways to keep emotions under control.



Walk Away. When anger starts to build, you can hear your voice getting louder and faster. Even the body gets in on the act becoming more rigid and even changing color (is a deep red your best color?). When this starts, take a break. The others involved should respect this, unless they are already boiling over. That all the more reason to step away. Leave the room, leave the building, do what you need to to keep anger from taking over. No one wins (or gets a just resolution when it does.

Focus on the Problem, not the feeling. Before meeting those you are in conflict with ask yourself what it is that's causing the anger or sadness. Be honest with yourself. It may be something totally unrelated and the most recent event was the "straw that broke the Camel's back" causing a flood of negative emotion to release. By stepping back, you can re-focus on solving the problem logically and justly.

Don't try to "Win."  Resolving serious issues will likely call for "give and take." This is not the best time to whip out the me first ego. Rather than a focus on "winning" try to find a solution all can live with. It is highly unlikely a perfect solution can be found where all are happy. But if people can set their egos aside workable solutions can be found. After all, its about how we play the game.  

Peel the Onion One way to think about conflict is in layers like an onion. Anger and sadness are symptoms on the surface for all to see. Try to find the cause and once you do, find what caused that problem. Keep peeling until you reach the core issue. This may result in solving many issues at once.  

Story Staying Power

I read this article, Multiculturalism, Chronic Illness, and Disability, about the stories different cultures tell about chronic illness and disability. Sadly, much is based on superstitions, folklore and religious beliefs. It was overwhelmingly negative. One is disabled because of a family curse, another is he or she did something bad in a past life, and one more is being disabled is a form of "punishment." I got the impression that these stories are deep seated and are almost impossible to re-write or let go of all together. I think this applies to many of our stereo-types that simply do not hold up to any serious scrutiny. Why do they persist?

My default when answering such a question is asking who benefits? If disabled people are denied access to jobs and social interactions, that means less competition for non-disabled people. If African Americans are treated in the same manner, European Americans benefit, right? Is this an over simplification?  What I'm getting at is the persistent stories that many believe, even when they are untrue.My question to you guys is what makes some myths stick around much longer than they should? 

-Paul            

An Important Read

How Doctors Die 

Reflect Positive Peace

What Happens In Your Brain When You Get Mad, And How To Control It

No Re-do's

I was watching a little Science Fiction lately (I'll pass on the Honey Bobo) and all the bad things that happened in the two shows were reversed by cool time travel theatrics. I don't think we have that kind of technology here in the real world. We don't have the option of redo's. Once the wrong thing has been said, poor decision acted on or something left undone, that's it. We are left with the aftermath. The best thing we can do for the future we want is is be present and mindful of our words and deeds today.


When it is too late, Dr. Johan Galtung has a saying, "I wish it were undone." Recognizing "the wrong" is a big step in the right direction.

Have a good weekend all!

-Paul

Not All Cookies and Cream

Life is not all cookies and cream, not by a long shot.There are numerous speed bumps along the way. An old friend called distasteful people that came through his life "vertical speed bumps." Kind of go over or around them and keep on keeping on. When a conflict is really deep and difficult, we call it entrenched or intractable. A good political example would be Israel and Palestine. When is it time to let go of a deep conflict or wade into destructive creation? When something is destroyed, something else new takes its place. The wife moves on after the ex-husband, as old business relationships are cut, new ones are formed and we reinvent ourselves socially and career wise becoming a new person. These are some of the transformations that take place during conflict.

Most of us see conflict as a bad thing but it can also do much good. Sometimes, unhealthy relationships need to end. My questions are;

When is enough enough?

How do we decide to cut our losses and move on?

What comes next?

Let's think about these.

When is enough enough?
If the damage being done outweighs the benefits of the relationship at some point, we have to move on. If I have a friend who's idea of joking around is constantly putting me down and laughing at my expense and all I get out of the deal is not having to go out alone, I should try to address the issue. If this does not work, I may choose to simply stay at home and or make new better friends. No one should put up with insults and abuse, especially from a friend.

How do we decide to cut our losses and move on?
This is a question with no easy answers. In the above example, our friend may just be going through a weird phase as a result of some stresser we are unaware of. If you think this is what's going on, it may be worth riding it out awhile to keep an otherwise good Friend. On TV and in the movies, these decisions are pretty much cut and dry, the whole bad guy thing.


What comes next?
Think about what will life look like on the other side. Think about the best possible outcome and move towards that goal. Life may not be like anything you imagined it, but it could also much better. The key is, is it worth it keeping things as they are, unhealthy relationships.

Life is messy and anything but all Cookies and cream.







    

Silence is Golden.

You get into a heated argument with a good friend after a long bad week at work. The argument started over something stupid. You're not even sure what it was now and things are going from bad to worse. It was someting trivial like who bought the first round last week; something that normally would have sparked a round of jokes had you not been feeling stressed and worried. Our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. Now, if the friend also had a bad week a lot of damage can be done in a short amount of time. How can this be ended while still keeping the friend?

I find when I'm upset with a friend over something stupid or anything really, the friend is not the problem. If I pause and think about it, the cause of my anger is most often something within me. In the buying rounds example, I feel bad because I did not buy a round last week and I've been beating myself up over not being generous lately. So my emotions get the best of me and I become all defensive and cause a scene. Yeah, not a great example but the idea is others often reflect back what we are putting out. Think about it. . . and next time you get angry with somebody, pause and ask "am I really upset with myself over something?" If this is true, apoligize and tell the other person or people what's going on. They'll get it. Being quiet and taking a little time to think can work wonders.

A silent pause can also give time for stuff to sink in. Take a moment to think about what the other guy said and more importantly, think about what you want to say next. Will it escelate or descelate the argument? Remember, the more damage done, the harder and longer it will be to undo. When the other person pauses, it may not be the best time to fill the void with more hot angry air. Give them space to think and consider their next actions. Nobody really likes being in a conflict situation (and if they do it may be best to avoid them). Examining your own emotions / feelings even when someone is trying to unload their bad juju on you, is important. If I react badly or in kind if you will, I too may want to do a little self reflection.    

Positive Peace

Trying to stay positive in a conflict situation can be difficult but is essential. It is all too easy to let our emotions get the best of us, and this can sometimes bring our worst. I think it is safe to say we seldom, if ever make good decisions when we are angry. When we are upset, we only want the thing making us angry to "go away" as quickly as possible. This can easily lead to "snap" decisions we later regret. It can be something small like yelling at a loved one saying the wrong thing, thus making the problem even worse. More often than not, we do all we can to avoid conflict all together; Avoidance. I'll confess I'm as guilty of this as anyone and I should know better. I think this is a natural reaction, even for a conflict coach! We all want to avoid the stress and drama of re-opening or starting a disagreement. Putting it off will often make it worse when it resurfaces later on down the road. "Why did you wait so long to tell me this?" "We should have addressed this a month ago!" Avoiding the unavoidable only creates another issue to be resolved. In our western culture, it is best to be direct. This does not mean being aggressive, threatening or loud. Such tactics will create additional issues to be resolved. Rather, stay positive.

When something comes up, address it. "Hey, I have a concern.; "I feel uncomfortable about. . ." or another cool phrase I heard once "Bookmark that..." (Let's come back to that soon).Keeping your cool is essential for avoiding much of the unpleasantness we often associate with conflict. Hopefully, it can be resolved in a conversational tone without a need for blood pressure medication. If I feel anger coming on, I want to take a break until it passes. Raising my voice and talking faster will only encourage the other person to do the same. That seldom, if ever, ends well. Taking a break and remaining calm lead to better outcomes. Resolving differences in this way creates something called Positive Peace.

I learned of Positive Peace from Johan Galtung, a brilliant scholar, considered by many the father of peace studies. Positive Peace is based on fair, equal and just treatment of others. Like many concepts in conflict resolution, it applies on many different levels; from you and I, groups and communities all the way up to nation-states. If we all feel we have a voice or a say in what goes on in our lives in relation to others, we feel equal. Our problems can be addressed in a just manner, creating a Positive Peace. We feel listened to and valued. I think Positive Peace is far too rare. Yes, there is a such thing as a Negative Peace. Think of a dictatorship that rules people by fear. It may be "peaceful" but in a spooky way. This concept can be applied in the home or work place as well. Think of a tyrannical boss or abusive husband who relies on fear to get their way. I doubt this is a place anyone wants to be, including the boss or husband. They too CAN learn better ways of working with others to create a Positive Peace where everyone benefits.