A Sometimes Unspoken Key Component of Conflict Resolution

 

When we hear the word “forgiveness,” we often think of it in a religious context,  particularly here in the West. It is after all the foundation of Christianity. God forgives us for our sins via the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. Where I am, in the southeastern United States, Tiger Woods could not hit a golf ball  in any direction without striking a church. Okay, that's exaggeration but you get the point, churches and Christianity are ubiquitous here. I think it goes without saying, this is not a religious blog. Nonetheless,  the idea of forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Let's think for a moment about what we mean by forgiveness.

Forgive (According to dictionary.com)- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

• -to cease to feel resentment against.
  to forgive one's enemies.

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This is a very simplistic definition and we are not talking about monetary debits here Although money can be at the heart of many conflicts. Forgiveness goes much deeper than this simplistic definition. There are religious and psychological elements to it that many have spent their entire lives studying and practicing. Me? Although I don't have a great personal forgiveness story,  it's always been there in the background both in my life and practice. Oh sure, there have been plenty of people who have made me mad or upset over the years. Members of my own family, long-time friends, mean customers and even bad drivers have all infuriated me at some point or other. If you are reading this, I'm sure you've experienced the same. On purpose or not, people are going to hurt us at some time or other. That's a part of being human. We have no control over the thoughts, feelings, intentions or actions of other people. We can control how we react. This is where forgiveness comes in, even if we call it something else.

I have a friend who often says leave the past where it is. What I think he means is leave it in the past. How I interpret this is don't hold grudges. Be able and willing to let go of things, even harmful things. Staying mad or angry because of someone else's actions gives them control. If I'm still mad a few decades after the fact, I've given up my own agency. If I choose to let it go, I can regain agency or more control of my life and emotions.  I've also seen forgiveness take the form of conversations in a parking lot. After an afternoon of mediation over an estate settlement, family members were discussing future plans to get together. The conflict had been going on for years  and I'm almost certain there were a number of people there who were not on speaking terms before. Forgiveness can be seen on much larger scales, including war and what comes after. 

• I grew up in the generation that came right after the Vietnam War. We had a close family friend who did three tours in Vietnam during the war, Tom. Many decades afterward, he returned to see how Vietnam had changed. Tom must have liked what he saw because he stayed. I was having a typical work day when I received an email with an invite for a southeastern asian vacation (oh and he needed to know within 3 days if I was coming or not). Me being me, I accepted his invitation on the same day. Tom sent me the information on how to acquire a Visa to get into Vietnam. In just a matter of weeks, I found myself in Ho Chi Minh City, you may know it as Saigon in the middle of the night. It's one thing to see the hammer and sickle in the movies but quite another to see those symbols larger than life in an airport. It was almost overwhelming! You see, I grew up during the Cold War when those symbols represented our enemies. The Vietnamese processed me in, were professional and kind. I can tell you it only got better from there. 

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  Over the next 10 days Tom and some of his local friends took me to a number of different cities. Everyone treated me with kindness, warmth and helpfulness. It was not lost on me that my country had bombed some of the very people I was now meeting. For them this was nothing abstract, the war was very much in living memory.  There were entire areas that were unsafe for walking due to mines laid more than 50 years ago yet still unsafe. To me the notion of forgiveness was everywhere but unspoken. I've returned to Vietnam twice after this initial trip and each time the experience was the same. I've met Veterans of what they call the American War and they've been nothing but kind and cordial.

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• I've seen how forgiveness is a key component of conflict resolution even if it is not addressed directly. It can work between individuals, family factions, groups of friends and even all the way up to the level of nation states. The notion of forgiveness, either directly or indirectly, is something the world sure can use today. It starts with me and you. Think about what it means to you personally and maybe have a conversation. It is certainly a topic I will explore more.

The Root- Unequal Treatment

 

There is a simple concept that lies at the heart of almost any conflict. That's the feeling of being treated unfairly. This holds in  minor disputes  between family and friends all the way up through nation states near or at war. Parents favoring one child over another, are going to have conflict. Why is he or she getting special treatment? This does not even have to be real, but nearly perceived as real. It is a basic sense of inequality that's unfair. 

Why am I the only one being grounded?  My brother has done the same thing before, yet he can still come and go as he pleases. This is so unfair. Such a problem can lead to a lot of friction in the family. If left unaddressed, it can cause resentment and hurt  that lasts for decades. These feelings can last so long the root cause is long forgotten. There's just this strange tension at family gatherings. Parents should not ignore such feelings from their children. Maybe the kid has a point. Maybe they are being unfair. If they have a good reason for grounding one and not the other, they need to make that clear. There are several things they should do. 1. Explain their actions clearly. 2.  Foster active two-way communication (Or open communication for all involved). 3. Adjust accordingly. The perception of fairness can also be felt at the group level.

Terrorism does not happen in a vacuum. Rather, it comes from a deep sense of unfairness and inequality between groups of people. Again, the feeling of being treated as less than equal may not even be true. It just has to be felt as true. When fighting a much stronger enemy, acts of terror become a weapon of the poor. No, I'm not trying to justify terrorism as a tool or a tactic. However, I do think it's important we understand the real causes. Hint- it's not because someone “hates our freedom.” Wherever we find people starving or on the edge of starvation, an absence of the rule of law, little to no economic opportunity and the  accompanying hopelessness, we also find fertile recruiting ground for groups who use terrorism. There's a better way to fight terrorism. Look for and address extreme inequalities. To flourish, terrorism needs hopelessness. We need to be more proactive.

The same idea of being treated unequally and unfairly rises all the way up to the nation state level. One only needs to look at all the fights for independence from the American Revolution  to the disintegration of the old European colonial empires of the last century. It's not exactly a news bulletin to say people were being treated unfairly.  Everything from over taxation, resource depletion and even human slavery were grossly unfair and of course led to conflict. The echoes of these wars are felt around the world until this day. We have traded direct control over others for Neoliberalism. Instead of direct control we use economic coercion, a looming threat of military power and  a playbook of divide and conquer where we pick one local faction against another for our own gains. Rather than actually address some of these issues, we make cartoon villains out of those who see the world differently. To address the rhyme of history, we should consider other ways of problem solving. 

Listen carefully when people say they are being treated unfairly. Often, there is some truth to it. This holds true from the individual level all the way up to nation states. Keeping things fair and communications open goes a long way to reduce family, group and national conflict. We need to recognize and correct areas of massive inequality. This too never happens in a vacuum. If things are going well for people, they will be much less interested in taking the suicide bomber route. Recognize the independence of others and help them thrive. Address concerns as they arise. Don't let things fester. Be willing to listen and adjust.

Readings 5.17.26

 

When a student dies violently - Teacher haunted by pupils’ deaths, calls grow for conflict resolution and emotional support to curb school violence

Can people with opposing views find common ground?

We Need a Department of Peace, Not $1.5 Trillion for More War

Beyond Western Peacebuilding Frameworks: Assessing Ubuntu’s Effectiveness in African Conflict Resolution

Health Mediation: A New Perspective on Health Conflict Resolution

On Truth

We all have a notion of what the truth is. But can there really be a Capital T Truth? I guess there is in math. It is true 2 +2 = 4. The hard sciences, like physics, have Capital T Truths like planets orbit stars and so on. We can figure some of these things out. But when it comes to relationships with our fellow human beings, hard truths become more elusive. Memories fade, new experiences further cloud our minds and the relentless march of time changes our perspective. Think of all the cases where eyewitnesses were proven wrong mistaking identity with sometimes-disastrous effects. How do we KNOW what we know? We create stories to explain events. Sometimes our stories miss or leave out important details. Accepting such mistakes is not easy. It can be hard admitting we were wrong about something. When we do, we have to examine ourselves more closely, as well as how we create our inner stories. In a culture where we are supposed to be strong, and not make mistakes hard self-reflection is not easy. Our egos, shaped by a hyper-individualistic, culture don't take the idea of possibly being wrong well. Admitting fault or error shows weakness. How does all of this play out in an on going dispute?

I feel strongly that I was wronged, and my feelings have been hurt. I cannot understand how things got to this point, and I'm stressed out wishing it would just "go away." To resolve the issue, I'm going to have to let go a little and walk in the other person's shoes. It is much easier to write this than really do it. I will have to rethink my story about what has transpired, and get past the I'm right and you're wrong notion I've been holding on to. I, like many people, will need a good reason to doubt my own conclusions. Otherwise, I'll not resolve anything. I'll just carry on saying he or she is a so and so (insert your favorite expletive), and not much will change. I have to have a good reason to re-open old wounds and hurts. The relationship with this person must be more valuable than holding onto old hurts. Family is a good example. We cannot change our family members. Our parents will always be our parents. It could be a good long-term business relationship. I feel like I was done wrong. Should I end an otherwise good, and mutually beneficial relationship? If the answer is "No," I need to resolve the problem. I have to be in the right place mentally.

I need to be able to think of the Truth, subjectively. Others also have what they consider Truth and I need to be open to considering their point of view. If I'm going into try and resolve an old hurt, I need to back off from merely defending "my position." One way to do this is go for a helicopter ride. Not literally but intellectually. By this I mean to take myself out of the situation, and survey the whole area around the conflict. I may be able to see important things I've missed that can be used to reach an agreeable and just outcome. All involved need to shed their fear of heights, and come out from the barricades egos have built up over time to take a fresh view of what has transpired. If those involved cannot agree, at least in principal, to let go a little there is little hope of truly resolving anything. Just agreeing to talk openly and honestly is a big step in the right direction. At the very least, we can learn some new information.        

A few Sunday morning thoughts... 

Why and When to Call

Carolina Animal Rescue & Adoption 

Why do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

When members view meetings as being unproductive and getting in the way of their work instead of helpful and productive, a facilitator may be helpful. There can be times when a few individuals "take over meetings" for better or for worse. Not everyone is being heard from and valuable input may be getting lost. A sensitive subject may lead to strong feelings being expressed unprofessionally with employees attacking each other rather than the problem. People fall into habits meeting regularly over time. The joker does her thing, the whiner does his thing, Mr. Grumpy is the same ole grumpy. Those ceiling tile counters continue to quietly sit there with a blank stare adding nothing. The dominator tries to control things. The bottom line is things are not getting accomplished.

When do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

If any or all of the above are slowing down your organization, it is likely also costing money in lost time and productivity. How long can you afford "business as usual?"         

Perspective.

Heavy Reading.

This is well beyond the kind of work I do but it may help keep things in perspective.

-Paul