A little on High Context and Low Context Cultures

 

Hi friends, today we will take a look at high context and low context cultures. The United States has always been a mix of cultures from all over the world. High context and low context are as we shall see are broad categories. Keep in mind there have been entire books written on this subject so the idea of this post is just to give a brief introduction, some examples and hopefully peak your interest a little. These are important concepts to understand as our world grows smaller through economics and technology. Knowing more about culture can help us avoid misunderstandings, make for better communications and reduce conflict. Full disclosure, I grew up and live in the United States. This is considered a low context culture. So I'm more familiar with it and understand it better. I don't think anyone can say one is objectively better than the other. They are just different.What is meant by context anyway?

 Context, as I understand it, means setting and relationships. Are you in a formal business meeting, hanging out with friends in the park or at home with loved ones? Who are you with? Your grandmother, a colleague at work, your study group from school or a close friend you've known for years- all have different expectations. This is especially true in a high context culture where settings, relationships and expectations matter deeply.

 High context cultures strive for harmony, unwritten understanding and place the needs of the group over the needs of the individual. What does this look like? Communications are less direct and often depend less on words alone. Along with the situation you are in (family setting, business meeting, a place of worship, etc.) facial expressions and body language also play important roles. They are often subtle and can easily be missed by those unfamiliar with the culture. Silence is seen as peaceful and not disagreeable. The idea of time may also be more flexible. Here in the US, 10:00 a.m. means exactly that. While in a more high context culture time is less exact, rather than 10:00 a.m., it's just morning.   Things move slower. Low context culture is different.

 In our western low context culture, words are the main way of communicating. We are more direct and value efficiency more than group harmony. Subtlety and common understandings are still there but play less of a role. Sure, I may make 10th grade fart jokes with a friend I've known for a long time but not with my boss! We also put the needs of the individual above the needs of the group. On the surface this may sound bad but it also gives us a lot of individual freedom, freedom to disagree for example. We are also free to fail. Right or wrong, we blame lack of success on the individual. The same is true for those who are successful. This gives space for overlooking larger more systemic problems. Cultures also evolve.

Culture can change along with us to meet the new needs and challenges of a given society. The culture of the United States has changed tremendously over our 250 year history. It will continue to evolve and grow along with changing technological and economic realities. The clock does not go backwards. Be mindful of those who want to return to some bygone golden age. Rather, embrace a future where flexibility, better understanding and reverence for all thrive.

More reading...

Now here's a Taboo Topic, Death

 

Death is a topic we avoid at all costs. We tend to use any number of euphemisms to try and tread lately around the topic. Here are a few of my favorites;  he expired (like a magazine subscription- thank you George Carlin), he transitioned (like changing from a solid to a gas? This one is still kind of cool).We even use euphemisms for our pets, fluffy has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. There are many more; she has moved on to the next world, and for the cruelest deah of all, suicide, so and so has unsubscribed from life. I am sure you have heard many more. Euphemistic language can be a coping mechanism for difficult situations and times. I'm not saying death is an easy topic, clearly it is not easy. However, I think it would be helpful if we put a little more thought into death and the dying process.

Death is a part of life. Dr. David Suzuki once said and I'll paraphrase here, it is our biological duty to die. We need to make room for the next generation and return to the Earth from where we all came. Our minds understand death on an intellectual level but cannot quite accept the idea of nothing. So we invented “the afterlife.” Reincarnation, going to heaven or hell, or hanging out here as a ghost haunting run down and abandoned places. Surely after a while scaring vagrances and urban explorers would get boring after a while. Maybe it's something more akin to a video game, where we “level up?” I have learned to be comfortable with the words “I don't know.”

There is no scientific evidence for a soul or something similar. So-called near death experiences can be explained via biological processes. Our minds create the world around us and I see no reason they cannot create a pleasant dying experience with bright lights, long dead pets and loved ones. Nonetheless, it's fun to entertain ideas of what comes next.  My rational mind says I'll return to wherever I spent the last 13 and 1/2 billion years in this universe. The more whimsical part of my mind tells me  we are only just beginning to understand reality. I think Don Rumsfeld would put it this way, “There are still many more unknown unknowns than known knowns.” A bartender once told me we humans don't even know the right questions to ask yet. I think he has a point. It's hard to imagine what we will learn if we don't destroy ourselves. Instead of our knee-jerk reaction of fear, maybe we should take a more curious approach.

Let's lose our fear around the topic of death. In addition to all the biological, religious and spiritual questions, let's also add in the things we can control. Here we get to the reason I posted this on a conflict resolution blog. I can think of almost no better way to create conflict than not discussing what you want to happen after you are gone. Your family and other loved ones can quickly find themselves in turmoil arguing over everything from  burial versus cremation to who gets your stuff and even your legacy. These conflicts can root apart families for years if not decades. That's why it's so important to talk about what happens after you are gone. My dad wanted a keg party instead of a funeral. He made this widely known among family and friends. Those he left behind made it happen. 

I think it is better to be curious than afraid. Being clear with those around you about what you want as well as what happens to your stuff can go a long way to avoiding divisive and long-lasting family disputes. A good practice is to have these conversations every so often  to keep up with your changing views and expectations. Create a Will and update your Hospital DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) documentation as you see fit. Avoiding these issues  will only put them on your loved ones at the worst possible time. Be open about your wishes as you prepare to find out what, if anything, comes next.

Readings 7.5.2026

 

Mentorship program aims to teach young men conflict resolution, practical life skills

Buckland Mills Elementary School Students Grow Conflict-Resolution Skills

Promoting dialogue for conflict transformation

Cattle conversations pave the way for peaceful conflict resolution in Western Bahr El Ghazal

Spurning just war, Pope Leo ends Catholic 'permission slip' for conflicts

Elements of an Apology

 

Hi all,  just a few thoughts on what makes a sincere and effective apology. It needs to be more than just the old “I'm sorry.” I'm sure you've heard that or something close to it from uncaring customer service types your whole adult life. Now sure, sometimes they are being sincere. I bet you can tell the difference right away, especially if the person you're speaking with was responsible for the problem. Sometimes, all that's needed is a simple “excuse me”  like if you bump into someone in a crowd. There's no need to make it weird and awkward.  What we are talking about today goes beyond the simple “excuse me.” When you cause real harm a better apology is needed. What does that look like? Let's keep it simple so it's easy to remember.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge what you did wrong. It is probably best to do this in private. Making a show of your apology will likely have the opposite effect you are looking for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, missed a key deadline or something much more serious. It should not matter. The key is taking responsibility. If you feel there was a valid reason for your actions, explain yourself. Yes, that can be different from making excuses. To me an excuse would be blaming your actions on something unrelated. “It was raining outside so I was mad,” is not a good explanation. Now you haven't accepted responsibility, great! What's next?

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see how your action affected them. If you had a legitimate reason, could they see it? Acknowledge their hurt feelings and give them space and time to explain to you why it was hurtful. Rephrase back to them what they tell you in your own words to acknowledge and be sure you understand them. Don't interrupt while they are speaking. This is certainly not the time to try and get a “win.” So avoid turning it into a debate. There are two more steps.

 Express remorse for your actions. This is assuming you, yourself have decided you owe the other person an apology. Hopefully, you are not being made to apologize by someone else like a boss or a parent. It's difficult to apologize for something you did not feel was wrong. If you are genuinely sorry about what happened, be sincere in expressing your regret. If the other person thinks you are not serious, there's a good chance an insincere apology will make it worse.  So now you have owned up to your error, empathized with the other person  and expressed regret in a sincere manner. There's only one thing left.

Promise to the best of your ability not to repeat the behavior or action that caused the problem. Think of it like this, “I won't let that happen again,” then follow through. There is little you can do to break trust faster than apologizing, agreeing not to do whatever caused the harm and then touring around to do the same thing. That is a relationship destroyer that may be impossible to ever come back from. On the other hand, a good apology can actually increase trust and understanding.

A Sometimes Unspoken Key Component of Conflict Resolution

 

When we hear the word “forgiveness,” we often think of it in a religious context,  particularly here in the West. It is after all the foundation of Christianity. God forgives us for our sins via the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. Where I am, in the southeastern United States, Tiger Woods could not hit a golf ball  in any direction without striking a church. Okay, that's exaggeration but you get the point, churches and Christianity are ubiquitous here. I think it goes without saying, this is not a religious blog. Nonetheless,  the idea of forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Let's think for a moment about what we mean by forgiveness.

Forgive (According to dictionary.com)- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

• -to cease to feel resentment against.
  to forgive one's enemies.

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This is a very simplistic definition and we are not talking about monetary debits here Although money can be at the heart of many conflicts. Forgiveness goes much deeper than this simplistic definition. There are religious and psychological elements to it that many have spent their entire lives studying and practicing. Me? Although I don't have a great personal forgiveness story,  it's always been there in the background both in my life and practice. Oh sure, there have been plenty of people who have made me mad or upset over the years. Members of my own family, long-time friends, mean customers and even bad drivers have all infuriated me at some point or other. If you are reading this, I'm sure you've experienced the same. On purpose or not, people are going to hurt us at some time or other. That's a part of being human. We have no control over the thoughts, feelings, intentions or actions of other people. We can control how we react. This is where forgiveness comes in, even if we call it something else.

I have a friend who often says leave the past where it is. What I think he means is leave it in the past. How I interpret this is don't hold grudges. Be able and willing to let go of things, even harmful things. Staying mad or angry because of someone else's actions gives them control. If I'm still mad a few decades after the fact, I've given up my own agency. If I choose to let it go, I can regain agency or more control of my life and emotions.  I've also seen forgiveness take the form of conversations in a parking lot. After an afternoon of mediation over an estate settlement, family members were discussing future plans to get together. The conflict had been going on for years  and I'm almost certain there were a number of people there who were not on speaking terms before. Forgiveness can be seen on much larger scales, including war and what comes after. 

• I grew up in the generation that came right after the Vietnam War. We had a close family friend who did three tours in Vietnam during the war, Tom. Many decades afterward, he returned to see how Vietnam had changed. Tom must have liked what he saw because he stayed. I was having a typical work day when I received an email with an invite for a southeastern asian vacation (oh and he needed to know within 3 days if I was coming or not). Me being me, I accepted his invitation on the same day. Tom sent me the information on how to acquire a Visa to get into Vietnam. In just a matter of weeks, I found myself in Ho Chi Minh City, you may know it as Saigon in the middle of the night. It's one thing to see the hammer and sickle in the movies but quite another to see those symbols larger than life in an airport. It was almost overwhelming! You see, I grew up during the Cold War when those symbols represented our enemies. The Vietnamese processed me in, were professional and kind. I can tell you it only got better from there. 

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  Over the next 10 days Tom and some of his local friends took me to a number of different cities. Everyone treated me with kindness, warmth and helpfulness. It was not lost on me that my country had bombed some of the very people I was now meeting. For them this was nothing abstract, the war was very much in living memory.  There were entire areas that were unsafe for walking due to mines laid more than 50 years ago yet still unsafe. To me the notion of forgiveness was everywhere but unspoken. I've returned to Vietnam twice after this initial trip and each time the experience was the same. I've met Veterans of what they call the American War and they've been nothing but kind and cordial.

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• I've seen how forgiveness is a key component of conflict resolution even if it is not addressed directly. It can work between individuals, family factions, groups of friends and even all the way up to the level of nation states. The notion of forgiveness, either directly or indirectly, is something the world sure can use today. It starts with me and you. Think about what it means to you personally and maybe have a conversation. It is certainly a topic I will explore more.

Readings 6.1.2026

 

Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict

Association for Conflict Resolution

Welcome to TRANSCEND INTERNATIONAL

The Hidden ROI of Community-Based Conflict Resolution

The Root- Unequal Treatment

 

There is a simple concept that lies at the heart of almost any conflict. That's the feeling of being treated unfairly. This holds in  minor disputes  between family and friends all the way up through nation states near or at war. Parents favoring one child over another, are going to have conflict. Why is he or she getting special treatment? This does not even have to be real, but nearly perceived as real. It is a basic sense of inequality that's unfair. 

Why am I the only one being grounded?  My brother has done the same thing before, yet he can still come and go as he pleases. This is so unfair. Such a problem can lead to a lot of friction in the family. If left unaddressed, it can cause resentment and hurt  that lasts for decades. These feelings can last so long the root cause is long forgotten. There's just this strange tension at family gatherings. Parents should not ignore such feelings from their children. Maybe the kid has a point. Maybe they are being unfair. If they have a good reason for grounding one and not the other, they need to make that clear. There are several things they should do. 1. Explain their actions clearly. 2.  Foster active two-way communication (Or open communication for all involved). 3. Adjust accordingly. The perception of fairness can also be felt at the group level.

Terrorism does not happen in a vacuum. Rather, it comes from a deep sense of unfairness and inequality between groups of people. Again, the feeling of being treated as less than equal may not even be true. It just has to be felt as true. When fighting a much stronger enemy, acts of terror become a weapon of the poor. No, I'm not trying to justify terrorism as a tool or a tactic. However, I do think it's important we understand the real causes. Hint- it's not because someone “hates our freedom.” Wherever we find people starving or on the edge of starvation, an absence of the rule of law, little to no economic opportunity and the  accompanying hopelessness, we also find fertile recruiting ground for groups who use terrorism. There's a better way to fight terrorism. Look for and address extreme inequalities. To flourish, terrorism needs hopelessness. We need to be more proactive.

The same idea of being treated unequally and unfairly rises all the way up to the nation state level. One only needs to look at all the fights for independence from the American Revolution  to the disintegration of the old European colonial empires of the last century. It's not exactly a news bulletin to say people were being treated unfairly.  Everything from over taxation, resource depletion and even human slavery were grossly unfair and of course led to conflict. The echoes of these wars are felt around the world until this day. We have traded direct control over others for Neoliberalism. Instead of direct control we use economic coercion, a looming threat of military power and  a playbook of divide and conquer where we pick one local faction against another for our own gains. Rather than actually address some of these issues, we make cartoon villains out of those who see the world differently. To address the rhyme of history, we should consider other ways of problem solving. 

Listen carefully when people say they are being treated unfairly. Often, there is some truth to it. This holds true from the individual level all the way up to nation states. Keeping things fair and communications open goes a long way to reduce family, group and national conflict. We need to recognize and correct areas of massive inequality. This too never happens in a vacuum. If things are going well for people, they will be much less interested in taking the suicide bomber route. Recognize the independence of others and help them thrive. Address concerns as they arise. Don't let things fester. Be willing to listen and adjust.

Readings 5.17.26

 

When a student dies violently - Teacher haunted by pupils’ deaths, calls grow for conflict resolution and emotional support to curb school violence

Can people with opposing views find common ground?

We Need a Department of Peace, Not $1.5 Trillion for More War

Beyond Western Peacebuilding Frameworks: Assessing Ubuntu’s Effectiveness in African Conflict Resolution

Health Mediation: A New Perspective on Health Conflict Resolution

Want Grace? Give Grace

 Nobody sees themselves as the bad guy, at least not normally. We all have a running story in our heads where we are the main character. I don't mean this in a selfish way, rather a natural storytelling way. In conflict resolution stories are called narratives. We create our own narratives as well as live in those created by others and Society. You, my friend, have your own unique story. Family members have stories about you as well and you have stories about your family. The line between fact and fiction can get rather murky as facts become folklore. The same is true for your local area and country. Here in the US we are all taught the folklore around George Washington. It's important to keep in mind our stories often neglect the darker and unspoken things that also happened. A part of the American story is our expansion westward. What is discussed less is the genocide that went along with the expansion. Sooner or later, the whole truth comes out shattering our rosy self image. Our individual and family stories work in the same way. We all have things we know but don't talk about.

Most of us are a mixture of good and evil. On the whole I think we are more good but that's just my limited experience. I also find extremes to be rare. There are wonderful human beings as well as monsters. Neither one comes out of nowhere. Wonderful human beings are taught by loving family, positive friends and associates and even a good society. Monsters also don't just happen. They are created. Check out Dr. James Waller’s Becoming evil, How ordinary people commit genocide and mass killings. (A lecture) Nonetheless, people tend to think of themselves as good. Maybe later we can have a talk about  Labeling Theory. If you tell a kid or person they are bad long enough, they will embrace the label. That's a discussion for another post.

So for now, think of others as being good to very good. Try to put yourself metaphorically in their shoes. How does that change the picture of what's going on?  Question your own assumptions and consider alternative explanations. Think about how and where you could be wrong. Train yourself to listen carefully, consider what they have said and don't react, rather respond. Instead of interrupting, think through your response after they have finished. A little silence will help to cool emotions. We all like to think we are good. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Want people to listen to you, listen to others. Want to be seen, see others. Want to be understood, understand others. I think you get the idea. In other words, give the grace you would like for yourself. 

Positive Masculinity

 

 In memoriam of John Smith, “A good man.” That was all that was inscribed on a simple square block of concrete next to a public beach access path. To be honest, I don't think John Smith was the name. However, I am 100% certain about the “A Good Man” part. Uncle Bob, who was with me, could not help but comment …”that said it all.”  I have to agree. The statement is simple and all encompassing. I'll dig a little deeper into what it means to me as we consider some aspects of positive masculinity. To be fair, none of these characteristics are exclusive to men only. They are positive traits for anyone to have.

 To be “A Good Man” depends on upbringing, culture and later on, your own definition. We learn about masculinity and femininity through our family, peers and society at large. In addition, we can unlearn negative things and trade them for more pro-social ideas. Nothing is set in stone. As humans, we cannot help but evolve and change with time.  The definition of A Good Man looks much different than it did say 50 years ago. Rather than looking backwards, I'd like to consider the present and future of what this means for me through the lens of positive masculinity.

Positive Masculinity- the expression of traditionally masculine traits—such as strength, leadership, and courage—tempered with empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others, ultimately benefiting the individual and the community.This is the definition according to Google Gemini. This is a starting point at least. Let's dive a little deeper by considering some characteristics. 

Duty- A moral obligation or responsibility that may also be unpleasant but you complete it regardless. Being a member of society often includes unpleasant duties like serving on a jury or paying taxes. It can also be something much simpler like going to a funeral of a respected colleague, not pleasant but something you need to do. 

Honorable- This simply means being trustworthy. An honorable person is not going to steal from me, nor slander my character or speak untruths. Honor can become toxic when taken to extremes. Wanting to avenge insults, wanting to prove courage when it's unnecessary or using it as an excuse to attack someone else. Select your company carefully. You want to be around people where you can leave your cash in the open and no one will take it. Keep it simple, don't steal.

Be Positive- Be able to thrive under pressure without complaint or collapse. Life is going to always be full of challenges and difficulties. Whether you can or cannot do something often depends on your mindset. In the great words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude toward the problem.” Sure, this may not always be true but I think it is a good starting point. Being a negative complainer all the time gets you nowhere. 

Learning is cool- Growth and change come from taking in new information. Be teachable. None of us have all the answers and that's okay. The person who thinks they have it all figured out essentially refuses to grow. I can think of no greater waste of a life. Learning  ties well into my next point or word.

 Humility- I know I don't have all the answers and I'm willing to learn. My education and experience is just that, mine. I don't mind learning from anyone. There are also many who know far more than I do. I like the idea that everyone we come across can teach us something. 

Positive Competition- It's hard to talk about masculinity without bringing up competition or fighting against another or others for success. Being hyper competitive can also be very self-destructive. Viewing all others as competitors leads to isolation and stunted growth. I think positive competition happens when we challenge ourselves. I don't want to do better or be better than you. Rather, I'd like to be better than I was yesterday.

One more thing I think needs to be here. Don't dehumanize or objectify others, especially women. I view locker room talk as toxic masculinity. I prefer not to be around it. You should not put up with it either. Our mothers, sisters and daughters deserve better. Always be respectful.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, much less for males only. These are just a few things that come to mind when I think about positive masculinity for earning the title of A Good Man.

Return with A Little Discussion on Toxic Masculinity

 

I'm not written here in a while. It's time to change that. We need conflict resolution skills now more than ever. I need to do my part and hopefully help you do your part. We will be discussing different topics related to conflict resolution in one way or another. Let's start off with a little bit on toxic masculinity.

Masculinity simply refers to roles of men and boys in a given society. They are not inherently bad. It can be as simple as blue for boys and pink for girls. Let's look a little bit deeper. This is by no means a comprehensive list. I'm simply sharing a few examples and then talking about what happens when they are taken to extremes and become toxic. One masculine trait is being the provider and protector of the family. A second masculine trait is being competitive. A third measurement trait is being tough. We will round out our example with being powerful as a masculine trait. There are countless others as well as variations across cultures.

 

1. Provider and Protector 

2. Competitive

3. Tough

4. Powerful

   
   

None of these seem inherently bad. Providing for and protecting friends and family is good (no matter your gender). Healthy competition can be good as well. It can make you a better athlete, more academically successful and more resilient. Hey, that leads nicely into being tough. Toughness can be necessary to overcome adversity. Power might be more problematic. The best power is the power to control ourselves. Power over others can lead to some pretty dark places. Nonetheless, there will likely always be a need for good and just leaders. What happens when these roles are taken to extremes?

Being the provider and protector can lead to over-controlling, paranoia and oppression. When the “win” must come at any cost, competition goes from being healthy  to something worse, the dehumanization of others. Nobody likes a sore loser or his opposite an arrogant winner. Being tough is cool to a point. However, none of us are immune to needing help from time to time. Not asking for help because you want to be tough can be an expressway to an early grave. Some bully others to try and prove their toughness. That's both harmful and unjust. Building and maintaining power for its own sake can be harmful to not only others but yourself as well. You can become very isolated. Taken to the extreme, power can be used to dehumanize others. Dehumanization never leads anywhere good. 

So what does this have to do with conflict resolution?  Toxic masculinity can lead to a lot of conflict and suffering. Think of the bad boss, the abusive parent, the office bully and so on. Toxic masculinity is a label for certain destructive behaviors that need to be challenged. Simply slapping a negative label on somebody is not going to change behavior. If you are going to criticize, you need to have an alternative, something better to offer. That something can be positive masculinity. Positive masculinity is an approach to manhood based on emotional intelligence, empathy, integrity and non-violent behavior. That is what we will discuss next.

What does it mean to be a good man?