A Sometimes Unspoken Key Component of Conflict Resolution

 

When we hear the word “forgiveness,” we often think of it in a religious context,  particularly here in the West. It is after all the foundation of Christianity. God forgives us for our sins via the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. Where I am, in the southeastern United States, Tiger Woods could not hit a golf ball  in any direction without striking a church. Okay, that's exaggeration but you get the point, churches and Christianity are ubiquitous here. I think it goes without saying, this is not a religious blog. Nonetheless,  the idea of forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Let's think for a moment about what we mean by forgiveness.

Forgive (According to dictionary.com)- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

• -to cease to feel resentment against.
  to forgive one's enemies.

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This is a very simplistic definition and we are not talking about monetary debits here Although money can be at the heart of many conflicts. Forgiveness goes much deeper than this simplistic definition. There are religious and psychological elements to it that many have spent their entire lives studying and practicing. Me? Although I don't have a great personal forgiveness story,  it's always been there in the background both in my life and practice. Oh sure, there have been plenty of people who have made me mad or upset over the years. Members of my own family, long-time friends, mean customers and even bad drivers have all infuriated me at some point or other. If you are reading this, I'm sure you've experienced the same. On purpose or not, people are going to hurt us at some time or other. That's a part of being human. We have no control over the thoughts, feelings, intentions or actions of other people. We can control how we react. This is where forgiveness comes in, even if we call it something else.

I have a friend who often says leave the past where it is. What I think he means is leave it in the past. How I interpret this is don't hold grudges. Be able and willing to let go of things, even harmful things. Staying mad or angry because of someone else's actions gives them control. If I'm still mad a few decades after the fact, I've given up my own agency. If I choose to let it go, I can regain agency or more control of my life and emotions.  I've also seen forgiveness take the form of conversations in a parking lot. After an afternoon of mediation over an estate settlement, family members were discussing future plans to get together. The conflict had been going on for years  and I'm almost certain there were a number of people there who were not on speaking terms before. Forgiveness can be seen on much larger scales, including war and what comes after. 

• I grew up in the generation that came right after the Vietnam War. We had a close family friend who did three tours in Vietnam during the war, Tom. Many decades afterward, he returned to see how Vietnam had changed. Tom must have liked what he saw because he stayed. I was having a typical work day when I received an email with an invite for a southeastern asian vacation (oh and he needed to know within 3 days if I was coming or not). Me being me, I accepted his invitation on the same day. Tom sent me the information on how to acquire a Visa to get into Vietnam. In just a matter of weeks, I found myself in Ho Chi Minh City, you may know it as Saigon in the middle of the night. It's one thing to see the hammer and sickle in the movies but quite another to see those symbols larger than life in an airport. It was almost overwhelming! You see, I grew up during the Cold War when those symbols represented our enemies. The Vietnamese processed me in, were professional and kind. I can tell you it only got better from there. 

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  Over the next 10 days Tom and some of his local friends took me to a number of different cities. Everyone treated me with kindness, warmth and helpfulness. It was not lost on me that my country had bombed some of the very people I was now meeting. For them this was nothing abstract, the war was very much in living memory.  There were entire areas that were unsafe for walking due to mines laid more than 50 years ago yet still unsafe. To me the notion of forgiveness was everywhere but unspoken. I've returned to Vietnam twice after this initial trip and each time the experience was the same. I've met Veterans of what they call the American War and they've been nothing but kind and cordial.

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• I've seen how forgiveness is a key component of conflict resolution even if it is not addressed directly. It can work between individuals, family factions, groups of friends and even all the way up to the level of nation states. The notion of forgiveness, either directly or indirectly, is something the world sure can use today. It starts with me and you. Think about what it means to you personally and maybe have a conversation. It is certainly a topic I will explore more.

Want Grace? Give Grace

 Nobody sees themselves as the bad guy, at least not normally. We all have a running story in our heads where we are the main character. I don't mean this in a selfish way, rather a natural storytelling way. In conflict resolution stories are called narratives. We create our own narratives as well as live in those created by others and Society. You, my friend, have your own unique story. Family members have stories about you as well and you have stories about your family. The line between fact and fiction can get rather murky as facts become folklore. The same is true for your local area and country. Here in the US we are all taught the folklore around George Washington. It's important to keep in mind our stories often neglect the darker and unspoken things that also happened. A part of the American story is our expansion westward. What is discussed less is the genocide that went along with the expansion. Sooner or later, the whole truth comes out shattering our rosy self image. Our individual and family stories work in the same way. We all have things we know but don't talk about.

Most of us are a mixture of good and evil. On the whole I think we are more good but that's just my limited experience. I also find extremes to be rare. There are wonderful human beings as well as monsters. Neither one comes out of nowhere. Wonderful human beings are taught by loving family, positive friends and associates and even a good society. Monsters also don't just happen. They are created. Check out Dr. James Waller’s Becoming evil, How ordinary people commit genocide and mass killings. (A lecture) Nonetheless, people tend to think of themselves as good. Maybe later we can have a talk about  Labeling Theory. If you tell a kid or person they are bad long enough, they will embrace the label. That's a discussion for another post.

So for now, think of others as being good to very good. Try to put yourself metaphorically in their shoes. How does that change the picture of what's going on?  Question your own assumptions and consider alternative explanations. Think about how and where you could be wrong. Train yourself to listen carefully, consider what they have said and don't react, rather respond. Instead of interrupting, think through your response after they have finished. A little silence will help to cool emotions. We all like to think we are good. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Want people to listen to you, listen to others. Want to be seen, see others. Want to be understood, understand others. I think you get the idea. In other words, give the grace you would like for yourself.