Want Grace? Give Grace

 Nobody sees themselves as the bad guy, at least not normally. We all have a running story in our heads where we are the main character. I don't mean this in a selfish way, rather a natural storytelling way. In conflict resolution stories are called narratives. We create our own narratives as well as live in those created by others and Society. You, my friend, have your own unique story. Family members have stories about you as well and you have stories about your family. The line between fact and fiction can get rather murky as facts become folklore. The same is true for your local area and country. Here in the US we are all taught the folklore around George Washington. It's important to keep in mind our stories often neglect the darker and unspoken things that also happened. A part of the American story is our expansion westward. What is discussed less is the genocide that went along with the expansion. Sooner or later, the whole truth comes out shattering our rosy self image. Our individual and family stories work in the same way. We all have things we know but don't talk about.

Most of us are a mixture of good and evil. On the whole I think we are more good but that's just my limited experience. I also find extremes to be rare. There are wonderful human beings as well as monsters. Neither one comes out of nowhere. Wonderful human beings are taught by loving family, positive friends and associates and even a good society. Monsters also don't just happen. They are created. Check out Dr. James Waller’s Becoming evil, How ordinary people commit genocide and mass killings. (A lecture) Nonetheless, people tend to think of themselves as good. Maybe later we can have a talk about  Labeling Theory. If you tell a kid or person they are bad long enough, they will embrace the label. That's a discussion for another post.

So for now, think of others as being good to very good. Try to put yourself metaphorically in their shoes. How does that change the picture of what's going on?  Question your own assumptions and consider alternative explanations. Think about how and where you could be wrong. Train yourself to listen carefully, consider what they have said and don't react, rather respond. Instead of interrupting, think through your response after they have finished. A little silence will help to cool emotions. We all like to think we are good. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Want people to listen to you, listen to others. Want to be seen, see others. Want to be understood, understand others. I think you get the idea. In other words, give the grace you would like for yourself. 

Positive Masculinity

 

 In memoriam of John Smith, “A good man.” That was all that was inscribed on a simple square block of concrete next to a public beach access path. To be honest, I don't think John Smith was the name. However, I am 100% certain about the “A Good Man” part. Uncle Bob, who was with me, could not help but comment …”that said it all.”  I have to agree. The statement is simple and all encompassing. I'll dig a little deeper into what it means to me as we consider some aspects of positive masculinity. To be fair, none of these characteristics are exclusive to men only. They are positive traits for anyone to have.

 To be “A Good Man” depends on upbringing, culture and later on, your own definition. We learn about masculinity and femininity through our family, peers and society at large. In addition, we can unlearn negative things and trade them for more pro-social ideas. Nothing is set in stone. As humans, we cannot help but evolve and change with time.  The definition of A Good Man looks much different than it did say 50 years ago. Rather than looking backwards, I'd like to consider the present and future of what this means for me through the lens of positive masculinity.

Positive Masculinity- the expression of traditionally masculine traits—such as strength, leadership, and courage—tempered with empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others, ultimately benefiting the individual and the community.This is the definition according to Google Gemini. This is a starting point at least. Let's dive a little deeper by considering some characteristics. 

Duty- A moral obligation or responsibility that may also be unpleasant but you complete it regardless. Being a member of society often includes unpleasant duties like serving on a jury or paying taxes. It can also be something much simpler like going to a funeral of a respected colleague, not pleasant but something you need to do. 

Honorable- This simply means being trustworthy. An honorable person is not going to steal from me, nor slander my character or speak untruths. Honor can become toxic when taken to extremes. Wanting to avenge insults, wanting to prove courage when it's unnecessary or using it as an excuse to attack someone else. Select your company carefully. You want to be around people where you can leave your cash in the open and no one will take it. Keep it simple, don't steal.

Be Positive- Be able to thrive under pressure without complaint or collapse. Life is going to always be full of challenges and difficulties. Whether you can or cannot do something often depends on your mindset. In the great words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude toward the problem.” Sure, this may not always be true but I think it is a good starting point. Being a negative complainer all the time gets you nowhere. 

Learning is cool- Growth and change come from taking in new information. Be teachable. None of us have all the answers and that's okay. The person who thinks they have it all figured out essentially refuses to grow. I can think of no greater waste of a life. Learning  ties well into my next point or word.

 Humility- I know I don't have all the answers and I'm willing to learn. My education and experience is just that, mine. I don't mind learning from anyone. There are also many who know far more than I do. I like the idea that everyone we come across can teach us something. 

Positive Competition- It's hard to talk about masculinity without bringing up competition or fighting against another or others for success. Being hyper competitive can also be very self-destructive. Viewing all others as competitors leads to isolation and stunted growth. I think positive competition happens when we challenge ourselves. I don't want to do better or be better than you. Rather, I'd like to be better than I was yesterday.

One more thing I think needs to be here. Don't dehumanize or objectify others, especially women. I view locker room talk as toxic masculinity. I prefer not to be around it. You should not put up with it either. Our mothers, sisters and daughters deserve better. Always be respectful.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, much less for males only. These are just a few things that come to mind when I think about positive masculinity for earning the title of A Good Man.