The Undying Lone-Wolf Myth

 We here in the US live in a culture largely defined by the individual; individual freedom, individual rights, individual responsibilities, individual success and so on. I am well aware many other cultures have more focus on the group instead. That said, my lived experience is mostly the culture of the individual. Sure, it does have some things going for it like personal liberty and the notion we can create our own success. It also fosters some unfortunate downsides and myths that are downright untrue. When life goes sideways for someone, we tend to blame them and not consider the failures of our own society. One of our favorite myths is the lone wolf. To me this could be someone who becomes highly successful in business all on their own (another flawed myth but that's for another time), a lone wolf terrorist such as Timothy McVeigh (who was not created in a vacuum) and my favorite the lone wolf survivalist.

For much of my life our culture has been obsessed with the Apocalypse, a sudden and catastrophic end to society as we know it. How many movies have been made about the apocalypse and the survivor striking out on their own afterwards? Sooner or later you will get the  scene where our loan survivor hero takes on a large group of bad guys single-handedly. Somehow they're always seems to be a limitless supply of guns, ammunition, old canned food  and surprisingly enough fresh water (or at least water that's safe to drink). Our hero is usually on the move going somewhere like some crazy video game quest. What does this have to do with conflict resolution? I think this myth entirely misses the point when it comes to human nature.

Movies about the apocalypse, any disaster really, depicts most people as extremely dumb  and selfish except of course the lone wolf. The reality of what things are like after a disaster is quite different. You will see people risking their own lives to save a stranger, tight communities will come together to help each other and people will self-organize long before any outside help arrives. The gist of what I'm saying here is that human cooperation is the key to survival. As much as we praise the individual, there's no getting around the fact that we are social animals. Plan accordingly.

It doesn't matter if you are thinking about a long power outage this winter, the aftermath of a hurricane or something even more crazy like an EMP taking down the power grid for an extended time your conclusion should be the same. In order to survive, you will need a network of people. Those who could really survive living solo in the woods are in reality few and far between. Sure, these folks could get by for some weeks but what happens to their minds after weeks turn into months or years? Nothing good. The real survivors will know cooperation with others is the key. None of us know everything nor can we stay hyper alert for extended periods of time. If you really want to survive, go ahead and build your knowledge base on bushcraft,  advanced first aid and gardening. None of us can learn everything other people can help fill in the gaps. While you are at it, get to know the carpenter down the street, the plumber and the electrician. These people plus many more will be the difference between life and death.

What's Next after Trump?

 

One day sooner or later the Trump cult is going to end. He's already an old man and the only thing between him and the Grim Reaper is the best healthcare money can buy. I have a running bet with a friend that he will not live out his term. Even if he does, the chance of another term is almost zero. It should be zero but we live in strange times. It should be obvious by now but let me be clear, I'm no fan of Donald Trump or his Administration. To get into why that is is beyond the scope of this blog. I'm more concerned about what happens next. How can we rebuild our relationships, trust in institutions, a better media and an economy that works for more than just the 1%?

Of course poles can be manipulated but when they are all pointing in the same direction, Donald Trump is deeply unpopular and underwater on every issue, we can trust them. Those who still support him after everything that has come out and happened I believe are in a cult, a cult of personality. I think this cult is shrinking daily but there will still be those who never leave believing only Trump can save us. What will happen to this group once Trump leaves this Earth or office? I believe when he dies, the cult will quickly melt away. Some will try to find a new cult leader to cling on to, one who still hates the same people they do and fears the same things they fear. In order to avoid future cult-like authority figures those who leave on their own should be encouraged instead of ridiculed. We have all been duped at some time or another. It may be better if they actually work to avoid a repeat of the rise of the next Cult of Personality. Check with these folks in 5 or 10 years and they will claim they never actually supported Trump. I, for one, will let this polite fiction pass. Those leaving a cult need a soft place to land. Scorn and ridicule will only drive people directly into the next cult. Those supporters who still remain will gleefully join with the next authoritarian figure to come along. Let's hope their numbers are small. How can we restore faith in institutions?

Whoever becomes president next has a number of messes to clean up. Two big ones are Health and Human Services and our military. Trust me, there are a number of others that will need rebuilding and reform. Rebuilding faith in institutions will take time. I think it starts with education, an education that's more than passing out tablets with AI and hoping for the best. We need to make learning fun and a cool thing to do. For more people to have faith in expertise, like health, the environment and a reality-based foreign policy they need to know why they work. They need to understand why logic and the scientific method is better than feelings, hearsay and blind faith. It might also be helpful to teach people about distortions created by a for profit only economy. Exactly how to do all this is best left to the education professionals. The biggest downside is this will take time, maybe time we do not have. Perhaps we should let the military pick who should be Secretary of Defense so it is no longer a political appointee? At the very least, this position needs some minimum requirements. Any reforms to our military must also come with a rebuilding of our alliance system. We need to honor our commitments around the world. We also need to do everything possible to reverse proliferation of nuclear weapons. Each new nuclear armed power brings us closer to the unthinkable. A media that could better articulate  this obvious and present danger would be most helpful.

Our for profit and ratings driven media do little to actually inform the public. Things are distorted by money. We need to do more to encourage independent media and have better protections for actual reporters. Rather than a myopic focus on two sides of every issue, there needs to be a more holistic approach. There are not two sides to climate change, there is only climate change. Insisting there are sides to all issues is detrimental to understanding. And we certainly need more than five  media conglomerations telling us what the news is.  There used to be hundreds of independent newspapers all across the country.  Surely with all of our technology, we can come up with something as good or even better. Local TV news should be locally owned and operated rather than controlled by a conglomeration based in another state. Having an educated and informed public would be a huge step in the right direction. We also need major economic reforms.

 We need an economy that works for more than just Wall Street. I think a good start would be raking up some of the near monopolies. Capitalism works best when there are numerous competitors driving innovation and keeping prices down. That alone is not enough. I think we need to have a measure for happiness and healthiness that’s left out of the GDP. Maybe we can still have millionaires and billionaires but only after everyone's needs are met. Contrary to popular belief, we have the resources to meet everyone's needs. The problem lies in our system of distribution where a tiny fraction hoard most of the wealth. Rather than a sole focus on the bottom line, we should consider the work that needs to be done like elder care, rebuilding our infrastructure and addressing climate change.  Maybe before we reach for the moon, plants and stars  we should make Earth livable for everyone.

We can count on a lot of work needing to be done after what I hope is the last gasp of the winner-take-all ideology. My short list here has only scratched the surface of things that will need to be done to help create a better future for all of us rather than a tiny minority. Here are a few things you can do right now. Start with getting informed, not outraged. Learn how to pause and respond, rather than react. Hear something scary on the news? Give it a little time and check other outlets to get a better picture of what's going on. Turn off the computer and TV and spend time with actual other human beings doing something positive. Let's work to create more third spaces where we can gather. Simply put, a third space is somewhere other than your home or work where you are not expected to spend money. America used to be full of such places- amateur sports teams,  neighborhood associations, union halls, various church groups and hobby clubs. Expose yourself to new ideas and ways of thinking. Together, we can create a  bright future!

A little on High Context and Low Context Cultures

 

Hi friends, today we will take a look at high context and low context cultures. The United States has always been a mix of cultures from all over the world. High context and low context are as we shall see are broad categories. Keep in mind there have been entire books written on this subject so the idea of this post is just to give a brief introduction, some examples and hopefully peak your interest a little. These are important concepts to understand as our world grows smaller through economics and technology. Knowing more about culture can help us avoid misunderstandings, make for better communications and reduce conflict. Full disclosure, I grew up and live in the United States. This is considered a low context culture. So I'm more familiar with it and understand it better. I don't think anyone can say one is objectively better than the other. They are just different.What is meant by context anyway?

 Context, as I understand it, means setting and relationships. Are you in a formal business meeting, hanging out with friends in the park or at home with loved ones? Who are you with? Your grandmother, a colleague at work, your study group from school or a close friend you've known for years- all have different expectations. This is especially true in a high context culture where settings, relationships and expectations matter deeply.

 High context cultures strive for harmony, unwritten understanding and place the needs of the group over the needs of the individual. What does this look like? Communications are less direct and often depend less on words alone. Along with the situation you are in (family setting, business meeting, a place of worship, etc.) facial expressions and body language also play important roles. They are often subtle and can easily be missed by those unfamiliar with the culture. Silence is seen as peaceful and not disagreeable. The idea of time may also be more flexible. Here in the US, 10:00 a.m. means exactly that. While in a more high context culture time is less exact, rather than 10:00 a.m., it's just morning.   Things move slower. Low context culture is different.

 In our western low context culture, words are the main way of communicating. We are more direct and value efficiency more than group harmony. Subtlety and common understandings are still there but play less of a role. Sure, I may make 10th grade fart jokes with a friend I've known for a long time but not with my boss! We also put the needs of the individual above the needs of the group. On the surface this may sound bad but it also gives us a lot of individual freedom, freedom to disagree for example. We are also free to fail. Right or wrong, we blame lack of success on the individual. The same is true for those who are successful. This gives space for overlooking larger more systemic problems. Cultures also evolve.

Culture can change along with us to meet the new needs and challenges of a given society. The culture of the United States has changed tremendously over our 250 year history. It will continue to evolve and grow along with changing technological and economic realities. The clock does not go backwards. Be mindful of those who want to return to some bygone golden age. Rather, embrace a future where flexibility, better understanding and reverence for all thrive.

More reading...

Now here's a Taboo Topic, Death

 

Death is a topic we avoid at all costs. We tend to use any number of euphemisms to try and tread lately around the topic. Here are a few of my favorites;  he expired (like a magazine subscription- thank you George Carlin), he transitioned (like changing from a solid to a gas? This one is still kind of cool).We even use euphemisms for our pets, fluffy has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. There are many more; she has moved on to the next world, and for the cruelest deah of all, suicide, so and so has unsubscribed from life. I am sure you have heard many more. Euphemistic language can be a coping mechanism for difficult situations and times. I'm not saying death is an easy topic, clearly it is not easy. However, I think it would be helpful if we put a little more thought into death and the dying process.

Death is a part of life. Dr. David Suzuki once said and I'll paraphrase here, it is our biological duty to die. We need to make room for the next generation and return to the Earth from where we all came. Our minds understand death on an intellectual level but cannot quite accept the idea of nothing. So we invented “the afterlife.” Reincarnation, going to heaven or hell, or hanging out here as a ghost haunting run down and abandoned places. Surely after a while scaring vagrances and urban explorers would get boring after a while. Maybe it's something more akin to a video game, where we “level up?” I have learned to be comfortable with the words “I don't know.”

There is no scientific evidence for a soul or something similar. So-called near death experiences can be explained via biological processes. Our minds create the world around us and I see no reason they cannot create a pleasant dying experience with bright lights, long dead pets and loved ones. Nonetheless, it's fun to entertain ideas of what comes next.  My rational mind says I'll return to wherever I spent the last 13 and 1/2 billion years in this universe. The more whimsical part of my mind tells me  we are only just beginning to understand reality. I think Don Rumsfeld would put it this way, “There are still many more unknown unknowns than known knowns.” A bartender once told me we humans don't even know the right questions to ask yet. I think he has a point. It's hard to imagine what we will learn if we don't destroy ourselves. Instead of our knee-jerk reaction of fear, maybe we should take a more curious approach.

Let's lose our fear around the topic of death. In addition to all the biological, religious and spiritual questions, let's also add in the things we can control. Here we get to the reason I posted this on a conflict resolution blog. I can think of almost no better way to create conflict than not discussing what you want to happen after you are gone. Your family and other loved ones can quickly find themselves in turmoil arguing over everything from  burial versus cremation to who gets your stuff and even your legacy. These conflicts can root apart families for years if not decades. That's why it's so important to talk about what happens after you are gone. My dad wanted a keg party instead of a funeral. He made this widely known among family and friends. Those he left behind made it happen. 

I think it is better to be curious than afraid. Being clear with those around you about what you want as well as what happens to your stuff can go a long way to avoiding divisive and long-lasting family disputes. A good practice is to have these conversations every so often  to keep up with your changing views and expectations. Create a Will and update your Hospital DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) documentation as you see fit. Avoiding these issues  will only put them on your loved ones at the worst possible time. Be open about your wishes as you prepare to find out what, if anything, comes next.

Readings 7.5.2026

 

Mentorship program aims to teach young men conflict resolution, practical life skills

Buckland Mills Elementary School Students Grow Conflict-Resolution Skills

Promoting dialogue for conflict transformation

Cattle conversations pave the way for peaceful conflict resolution in Western Bahr El Ghazal

Spurning just war, Pope Leo ends Catholic 'permission slip' for conflicts

Elements of an Apology

 

Hi all,  just a few thoughts on what makes a sincere and effective apology. It needs to be more than just the old “I'm sorry.” I'm sure you've heard that or something close to it from uncaring customer service types your whole adult life. Now sure, sometimes they are being sincere. I bet you can tell the difference right away, especially if the person you're speaking with was responsible for the problem. Sometimes, all that's needed is a simple “excuse me”  like if you bump into someone in a crowd. There's no need to make it weird and awkward.  What we are talking about today goes beyond the simple “excuse me.” When you cause real harm a better apology is needed. What does that look like? Let's keep it simple so it's easy to remember.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge what you did wrong. It is probably best to do this in private. Making a show of your apology will likely have the opposite effect you are looking for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, missed a key deadline or something much more serious. It should not matter. The key is taking responsibility. If you feel there was a valid reason for your actions, explain yourself. Yes, that can be different from making excuses. To me an excuse would be blaming your actions on something unrelated. “It was raining outside so I was mad,” is not a good explanation. Now you haven't accepted responsibility, great! What's next?

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see how your action affected them. If you had a legitimate reason, could they see it? Acknowledge their hurt feelings and give them space and time to explain to you why it was hurtful. Rephrase back to them what they tell you in your own words to acknowledge and be sure you understand them. Don't interrupt while they are speaking. This is certainly not the time to try and get a “win.” So avoid turning it into a debate. There are two more steps.

 Express remorse for your actions. This is assuming you, yourself have decided you owe the other person an apology. Hopefully, you are not being made to apologize by someone else like a boss or a parent. It's difficult to apologize for something you did not feel was wrong. If you are genuinely sorry about what happened, be sincere in expressing your regret. If the other person thinks you are not serious, there's a good chance an insincere apology will make it worse.  So now you have owned up to your error, empathized with the other person  and expressed regret in a sincere manner. There's only one thing left.

Promise to the best of your ability not to repeat the behavior or action that caused the problem. Think of it like this, “I won't let that happen again,” then follow through. There is little you can do to break trust faster than apologizing, agreeing not to do whatever caused the harm and then touring around to do the same thing. That is a relationship destroyer that may be impossible to ever come back from. On the other hand, a good apology can actually increase trust and understanding.

A Sometimes Unspoken Key Component of Conflict Resolution

 

When we hear the word “forgiveness,” we often think of it in a religious context,  particularly here in the West. It is after all the foundation of Christianity. God forgives us for our sins via the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. Where I am, in the southeastern United States, Tiger Woods could not hit a golf ball  in any direction without striking a church. Okay, that's exaggeration but you get the point, churches and Christianity are ubiquitous here. I think it goes without saying, this is not a religious blog. Nonetheless,  the idea of forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Let's think for a moment about what we mean by forgiveness.

Forgive (According to dictionary.com)- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

• -to cease to feel resentment against.
  to forgive one's enemies.

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This is a very simplistic definition and we are not talking about monetary debits here Although money can be at the heart of many conflicts. Forgiveness goes much deeper than this simplistic definition. There are religious and psychological elements to it that many have spent their entire lives studying and practicing. Me? Although I don't have a great personal forgiveness story,  it's always been there in the background both in my life and practice. Oh sure, there have been plenty of people who have made me mad or upset over the years. Members of my own family, long-time friends, mean customers and even bad drivers have all infuriated me at some point or other. If you are reading this, I'm sure you've experienced the same. On purpose or not, people are going to hurt us at some time or other. That's a part of being human. We have no control over the thoughts, feelings, intentions or actions of other people. We can control how we react. This is where forgiveness comes in, even if we call it something else.

I have a friend who often says leave the past where it is. What I think he means is leave it in the past. How I interpret this is don't hold grudges. Be able and willing to let go of things, even harmful things. Staying mad or angry because of someone else's actions gives them control. If I'm still mad a few decades after the fact, I've given up my own agency. If I choose to let it go, I can regain agency or more control of my life and emotions.  I've also seen forgiveness take the form of conversations in a parking lot. After an afternoon of mediation over an estate settlement, family members were discussing future plans to get together. The conflict had been going on for years  and I'm almost certain there were a number of people there who were not on speaking terms before. Forgiveness can be seen on much larger scales, including war and what comes after. 

• I grew up in the generation that came right after the Vietnam War. We had a close family friend who did three tours in Vietnam during the war, Tom. Many decades afterward, he returned to see how Vietnam had changed. Tom must have liked what he saw because he stayed. I was having a typical work day when I received an email with an invite for a southeastern asian vacation (oh and he needed to know within 3 days if I was coming or not). Me being me, I accepted his invitation on the same day. Tom sent me the information on how to acquire a Visa to get into Vietnam. In just a matter of weeks, I found myself in Ho Chi Minh City, you may know it as Saigon in the middle of the night. It's one thing to see the hammer and sickle in the movies but quite another to see those symbols larger than life in an airport. It was almost overwhelming! You see, I grew up during the Cold War when those symbols represented our enemies. The Vietnamese processed me in, were professional and kind. I can tell you it only got better from there. 

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  Over the next 10 days Tom and some of his local friends took me to a number of different cities. Everyone treated me with kindness, warmth and helpfulness. It was not lost on me that my country had bombed some of the very people I was now meeting. For them this was nothing abstract, the war was very much in living memory.  There were entire areas that were unsafe for walking due to mines laid more than 50 years ago yet still unsafe. To me the notion of forgiveness was everywhere but unspoken. I've returned to Vietnam twice after this initial trip and each time the experience was the same. I've met Veterans of what they call the American War and they've been nothing but kind and cordial.

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• I've seen how forgiveness is a key component of conflict resolution even if it is not addressed directly. It can work between individuals, family factions, groups of friends and even all the way up to the level of nation states. The notion of forgiveness, either directly or indirectly, is something the world sure can use today. It starts with me and you. Think about what it means to you personally and maybe have a conversation. It is certainly a topic I will explore more.