Death is a topic we avoid at all costs. We tend to use any number of euphemisms to try and tread lately around the topic. Here are a few of my favorites; he expired (like a magazine subscription- thank you George Carlin), he transitioned (like changing from a solid to a gas? This one is still kind of cool).We even use euphemisms for our pets, fluffy has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. There are many more; she has moved on to the next world, and for the cruelest deah of all, suicide, so and so has unsubscribed from life. I am sure you have heard many more. Euphemistic language can be a coping mechanism for difficult situations and times. I'm not saying death is an easy topic, clearly it is not easy. However, I think it would be helpful if we put a little more thought into death and the dying process.
Death is a part of life. Dr. David Suzuki once said and I'll paraphrase here, it is our biological duty to die. We need to make room for the next generation and return to the Earth from where we all came. Our minds understand death on an intellectual level but cannot quite accept the idea of nothing. So we invented “the afterlife.” Reincarnation, going to heaven or hell, or hanging out here as a ghost haunting run down and abandoned places. Surely after a while scaring vagrances and urban explorers would get boring after a while. Maybe it's something more akin to a video game, where we “level up?” I have learned to be comfortable with the words “I don't know.”
There is no scientific evidence for a soul or something similar. So-called near death experiences can be explained via biological processes. Our minds create the world around us and I see no reason they cannot create a pleasant dying experience with bright lights, long dead pets and loved ones. Nonetheless, it's fun to entertain ideas of what comes next. My rational mind says I'll return to wherever I spent the last 13 and 1/2 billion years in this universe. The more whimsical part of my mind tells me we are only just beginning to understand reality. I think Don Rumsfeld would put it this way, “There are still many more unknown unknowns than known knowns.” A bartender once told me we humans don't even know the right questions to ask yet. I think he has a point. It's hard to imagine what we will learn if we don't destroy ourselves. Instead of our knee-jerk reaction of fear, maybe we should take a more curious approach.
Let's lose our fear around the topic of death. In addition to all the biological, religious and spiritual questions, let's also add in the things we can control. Here we get to the reason I posted this on a conflict resolution blog. I can think of almost no better way to create conflict than not discussing what you want to happen after you are gone. Your family and other loved ones can quickly find themselves in turmoil arguing over everything from burial versus cremation to who gets your stuff and even your legacy. These conflicts can root apart families for years if not decades. That's why it's so important to talk about what happens after you are gone. My dad wanted a keg party instead of a funeral. He made this widely known among family and friends. Those he left behind made it happen.
I think it is better to be curious than afraid. Being clear with those around you about what you want as well as what happens to your stuff can go a long way to avoiding divisive and long-lasting family disputes. A good practice is to have these conversations every so often to keep up with your changing views and expectations. Create a Will and update your Hospital DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) documentation as you see fit. Avoiding these issues will only put them on your loved ones at the worst possible time. Be open about your wishes as you prepare to find out what, if anything, comes next.
