Elements of an Apology

 

Hi all,  just a few thoughts on what makes a sincere and effective apology. It needs to be more than just the old “I'm sorry.” I'm sure you've heard that or something close to it from uncaring customer service types your whole adult life. Now sure, sometimes they are being sincere. I bet you can tell the difference right away, especially if the person you're speaking with was responsible for the problem. Sometimes, all that's needed is a simple “excuse me”  like if you bump into someone in a crowd. There's no need to make it weird and awkward.  What we are talking about today goes beyond the simple “excuse me.” When you cause real harm a better apology is needed. What does that look like? Let's keep it simple so it's easy to remember.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge what you did wrong. It is probably best to do this in private. Making a show of your apology will likely have the opposite effect you are looking for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, missed a key deadline or something much more serious. It should not matter. The key is taking responsibility. If you feel there was a valid reason for your actions, explain yourself. Yes, that can be different from making excuses. To me an excuse would be blaming your actions on something unrelated. “It was raining outside so I was mad,” is not a good explanation. Now you haven't accepted responsibility, great! What's next?

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see how your action affected them. If you had a legitimate reason, could they see it? Acknowledge their hurt feelings and give them space and time to explain to you why it was hurtful. Rephrase back to them what they tell you in your own words to acknowledge and be sure you understand them. Don't interrupt while they are speaking. This is certainly not the time to try and get a “win.” So avoid turning it into a debate. There are two more steps.

 Express remorse for your actions. This is assuming you, yourself have decided you owe the other person an apology. Hopefully, you are not being made to apologize by someone else like a boss or a parent. It's difficult to apologize for something you did not feel was wrong. If you are genuinely sorry about what happened, be sincere in expressing your regret. If the other person thinks you are not serious, there's a good chance an insincere apology will make it worse.  So now you have owned up to your error, empathized with the other person  and expressed regret in a sincere manner. There's only one thing left.

Promise to the best of your ability not to repeat the behavior or action that caused the problem. Think of it like this, “I won't let that happen again,” then follow through. There is little you can do to break trust faster than apologizing, agreeing not to do whatever caused the harm and then touring around to do the same thing. That is a relationship destroyer that may be impossible to ever come back from. On the other hand, a good apology can actually increase trust and understanding.

A Sometimes Unspoken Key Component of Conflict Resolution

 

When we hear the word “forgiveness,” we often think of it in a religious context,  particularly here in the West. It is after all the foundation of Christianity. God forgives us for our sins via the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ. Where I am, in the southeastern United States, Tiger Woods could not hit a golf ball  in any direction without striking a church. Okay, that's exaggeration but you get the point, churches and Christianity are ubiquitous here. I think it goes without saying, this is not a religious blog. Nonetheless,  the idea of forgiveness plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Let's think for a moment about what we mean by forgiveness.

Forgive (According to dictionary.com)- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

• -to cease to feel resentment against.
  to forgive one's enemies.

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This is a very simplistic definition and we are not talking about monetary debits here Although money can be at the heart of many conflicts. Forgiveness goes much deeper than this simplistic definition. There are religious and psychological elements to it that many have spent their entire lives studying and practicing. Me? Although I don't have a great personal forgiveness story,  it's always been there in the background both in my life and practice. Oh sure, there have been plenty of people who have made me mad or upset over the years. Members of my own family, long-time friends, mean customers and even bad drivers have all infuriated me at some point or other. If you are reading this, I'm sure you've experienced the same. On purpose or not, people are going to hurt us at some time or other. That's a part of being human. We have no control over the thoughts, feelings, intentions or actions of other people. We can control how we react. This is where forgiveness comes in, even if we call it something else.

I have a friend who often says leave the past where it is. What I think he means is leave it in the past. How I interpret this is don't hold grudges. Be able and willing to let go of things, even harmful things. Staying mad or angry because of someone else's actions gives them control. If I'm still mad a few decades after the fact, I've given up my own agency. If I choose to let it go, I can regain agency or more control of my life and emotions.  I've also seen forgiveness take the form of conversations in a parking lot. After an afternoon of mediation over an estate settlement, family members were discussing future plans to get together. The conflict had been going on for years  and I'm almost certain there were a number of people there who were not on speaking terms before. Forgiveness can be seen on much larger scales, including war and what comes after. 

• I grew up in the generation that came right after the Vietnam War. We had a close family friend who did three tours in Vietnam during the war, Tom. Many decades afterward, he returned to see how Vietnam had changed. Tom must have liked what he saw because he stayed. I was having a typical work day when I received an email with an invite for a southeastern asian vacation (oh and he needed to know within 3 days if I was coming or not). Me being me, I accepted his invitation on the same day. Tom sent me the information on how to acquire a Visa to get into Vietnam. In just a matter of weeks, I found myself in Ho Chi Minh City, you may know it as Saigon in the middle of the night. It's one thing to see the hammer and sickle in the movies but quite another to see those symbols larger than life in an airport. It was almost overwhelming! You see, I grew up during the Cold War when those symbols represented our enemies. The Vietnamese processed me in, were professional and kind. I can tell you it only got better from there. 

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  Over the next 10 days Tom and some of his local friends took me to a number of different cities. Everyone treated me with kindness, warmth and helpfulness. It was not lost on me that my country had bombed some of the very people I was now meeting. For them this was nothing abstract, the war was very much in living memory.  There were entire areas that were unsafe for walking due to mines laid more than 50 years ago yet still unsafe. To me the notion of forgiveness was everywhere but unspoken. I've returned to Vietnam twice after this initial trip and each time the experience was the same. I've met Veterans of what they call the American War and they've been nothing but kind and cordial.

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• I've seen how forgiveness is a key component of conflict resolution even if it is not addressed directly. It can work between individuals, family factions, groups of friends and even all the way up to the level of nation states. The notion of forgiveness, either directly or indirectly, is something the world sure can use today. It starts with me and you. Think about what it means to you personally and maybe have a conversation. It is certainly a topic I will explore more.

Readings 6.1.2026

 

Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict

Association for Conflict Resolution

Welcome to TRANSCEND INTERNATIONAL

The Hidden ROI of Community-Based Conflict Resolution

The Root- Unequal Treatment

 

There is a simple concept that lies at the heart of almost any conflict. That's the feeling of being treated unfairly. This holds in  minor disputes  between family and friends all the way up through nation states near or at war. Parents favoring one child over another, are going to have conflict. Why is he or she getting special treatment? This does not even have to be real, but nearly perceived as real. It is a basic sense of inequality that's unfair. 

Why am I the only one being grounded?  My brother has done the same thing before, yet he can still come and go as he pleases. This is so unfair. Such a problem can lead to a lot of friction in the family. If left unaddressed, it can cause resentment and hurt  that lasts for decades. These feelings can last so long the root cause is long forgotten. There's just this strange tension at family gatherings. Parents should not ignore such feelings from their children. Maybe the kid has a point. Maybe they are being unfair. If they have a good reason for grounding one and not the other, they need to make that clear. There are several things they should do. 1. Explain their actions clearly. 2.  Foster active two-way communication (Or open communication for all involved). 3. Adjust accordingly. The perception of fairness can also be felt at the group level.

Terrorism does not happen in a vacuum. Rather, it comes from a deep sense of unfairness and inequality between groups of people. Again, the feeling of being treated as less than equal may not even be true. It just has to be felt as true. When fighting a much stronger enemy, acts of terror become a weapon of the poor. No, I'm not trying to justify terrorism as a tool or a tactic. However, I do think it's important we understand the real causes. Hint- it's not because someone “hates our freedom.” Wherever we find people starving or on the edge of starvation, an absence of the rule of law, little to no economic opportunity and the  accompanying hopelessness, we also find fertile recruiting ground for groups who use terrorism. There's a better way to fight terrorism. Look for and address extreme inequalities. To flourish, terrorism needs hopelessness. We need to be more proactive.

The same idea of being treated unequally and unfairly rises all the way up to the nation state level. One only needs to look at all the fights for independence from the American Revolution  to the disintegration of the old European colonial empires of the last century. It's not exactly a news bulletin to say people were being treated unfairly.  Everything from over taxation, resource depletion and even human slavery were grossly unfair and of course led to conflict. The echoes of these wars are felt around the world until this day. We have traded direct control over others for Neoliberalism. Instead of direct control we use economic coercion, a looming threat of military power and  a playbook of divide and conquer where we pick one local faction against another for our own gains. Rather than actually address some of these issues, we make cartoon villains out of those who see the world differently. To address the rhyme of history, we should consider other ways of problem solving. 

Listen carefully when people say they are being treated unfairly. Often, there is some truth to it. This holds true from the individual level all the way up to nation states. Keeping things fair and communications open goes a long way to reduce family, group and national conflict. We need to recognize and correct areas of massive inequality. This too never happens in a vacuum. If things are going well for people, they will be much less interested in taking the suicide bomber route. Recognize the independence of others and help them thrive. Address concerns as they arise. Don't let things fester. Be willing to listen and adjust.

Readings 5.17.26

 

When a student dies violently - Teacher haunted by pupils’ deaths, calls grow for conflict resolution and emotional support to curb school violence

Can people with opposing views find common ground?

We Need a Department of Peace, Not $1.5 Trillion for More War

Beyond Western Peacebuilding Frameworks: Assessing Ubuntu’s Effectiveness in African Conflict Resolution

Health Mediation: A New Perspective on Health Conflict Resolution

Want Grace? Give Grace

 Nobody sees themselves as the bad guy, at least not normally. We all have a running story in our heads where we are the main character. I don't mean this in a selfish way, rather a natural storytelling way. In conflict resolution stories are called narratives. We create our own narratives as well as live in those created by others and Society. You, my friend, have your own unique story. Family members have stories about you as well and you have stories about your family. The line between fact and fiction can get rather murky as facts become folklore. The same is true for your local area and country. Here in the US we are all taught the folklore around George Washington. It's important to keep in mind our stories often neglect the darker and unspoken things that also happened. A part of the American story is our expansion westward. What is discussed less is the genocide that went along with the expansion. Sooner or later, the whole truth comes out shattering our rosy self image. Our individual and family stories work in the same way. We all have things we know but don't talk about.

Most of us are a mixture of good and evil. On the whole I think we are more good but that's just my limited experience. I also find extremes to be rare. There are wonderful human beings as well as monsters. Neither one comes out of nowhere. Wonderful human beings are taught by loving family, positive friends and associates and even a good society. Monsters also don't just happen. They are created. Check out Dr. James Waller’s Becoming evil, How ordinary people commit genocide and mass killings. (A lecture) Nonetheless, people tend to think of themselves as good. Maybe later we can have a talk about  Labeling Theory. If you tell a kid or person they are bad long enough, they will embrace the label. That's a discussion for another post.

So for now, think of others as being good to very good. Try to put yourself metaphorically in their shoes. How does that change the picture of what's going on?  Question your own assumptions and consider alternative explanations. Think about how and where you could be wrong. Train yourself to listen carefully, consider what they have said and don't react, rather respond. Instead of interrupting, think through your response after they have finished. A little silence will help to cool emotions. We all like to think we are good. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Want people to listen to you, listen to others. Want to be seen, see others. Want to be understood, understand others. I think you get the idea. In other words, give the grace you would like for yourself. 

Positive Masculinity

 

 In memoriam of John Smith, “A good man.” That was all that was inscribed on a simple square block of concrete next to a public beach access path. To be honest, I don't think John Smith was the name. However, I am 100% certain about the “A Good Man” part. Uncle Bob, who was with me, could not help but comment …”that said it all.”  I have to agree. The statement is simple and all encompassing. I'll dig a little deeper into what it means to me as we consider some aspects of positive masculinity. To be fair, none of these characteristics are exclusive to men only. They are positive traits for anyone to have.

 To be “A Good Man” depends on upbringing, culture and later on, your own definition. We learn about masculinity and femininity through our family, peers and society at large. In addition, we can unlearn negative things and trade them for more pro-social ideas. Nothing is set in stone. As humans, we cannot help but evolve and change with time.  The definition of A Good Man looks much different than it did say 50 years ago. Rather than looking backwards, I'd like to consider the present and future of what this means for me through the lens of positive masculinity.

Positive Masculinity- the expression of traditionally masculine traits—such as strength, leadership, and courage—tempered with empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others, ultimately benefiting the individual and the community.This is the definition according to Google Gemini. This is a starting point at least. Let's dive a little deeper by considering some characteristics. 

Duty- A moral obligation or responsibility that may also be unpleasant but you complete it regardless. Being a member of society often includes unpleasant duties like serving on a jury or paying taxes. It can also be something much simpler like going to a funeral of a respected colleague, not pleasant but something you need to do. 

Honorable- This simply means being trustworthy. An honorable person is not going to steal from me, nor slander my character or speak untruths. Honor can become toxic when taken to extremes. Wanting to avenge insults, wanting to prove courage when it's unnecessary or using it as an excuse to attack someone else. Select your company carefully. You want to be around people where you can leave your cash in the open and no one will take it. Keep it simple, don't steal.

Be Positive- Be able to thrive under pressure without complaint or collapse. Life is going to always be full of challenges and difficulties. Whether you can or cannot do something often depends on your mindset. In the great words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude toward the problem.” Sure, this may not always be true but I think it is a good starting point. Being a negative complainer all the time gets you nowhere. 

Learning is cool- Growth and change come from taking in new information. Be teachable. None of us have all the answers and that's okay. The person who thinks they have it all figured out essentially refuses to grow. I can think of no greater waste of a life. Learning  ties well into my next point or word.

 Humility- I know I don't have all the answers and I'm willing to learn. My education and experience is just that, mine. I don't mind learning from anyone. There are also many who know far more than I do. I like the idea that everyone we come across can teach us something. 

Positive Competition- It's hard to talk about masculinity without bringing up competition or fighting against another or others for success. Being hyper competitive can also be very self-destructive. Viewing all others as competitors leads to isolation and stunted growth. I think positive competition happens when we challenge ourselves. I don't want to do better or be better than you. Rather, I'd like to be better than I was yesterday.

One more thing I think needs to be here. Don't dehumanize or objectify others, especially women. I view locker room talk as toxic masculinity. I prefer not to be around it. You should not put up with it either. Our mothers, sisters and daughters deserve better. Always be respectful.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, much less for males only. These are just a few things that come to mind when I think about positive masculinity for earning the title of A Good Man.