Want Grace? Give Grace

 Nobody sees themselves as the bad guy, at least not normally. We all have a running story in our heads where we are the main character. I don't mean this in a selfish way, rather a natural storytelling way. In conflict resolution stories are called narratives. We create our own narratives as well as live in those created by others and Society. You, my friend, have your own unique story. Family members have stories about you as well and you have stories about your family. The line between fact and fiction can get rather murky as facts become folklore. The same is true for your local area and country. Here in the US we are all taught the folklore around George Washington. It's important to keep in mind our stories often neglect the darker and unspoken things that also happened. A part of the American story is our expansion westward. What is discussed less is the genocide that went along with the expansion. Sooner or later, the whole truth comes out shattering our rosy self image. Our individual and family stories work in the same way. We all have things we know but don't talk about.

Most of us are a mixture of good and evil. On the whole I think we are more good but that's just my limited experience. I also find extremes to be rare. There are wonderful human beings as well as monsters. Neither one comes out of nowhere. Wonderful human beings are taught by loving family, positive friends and associates and even a good society. Monsters also don't just happen. They are created. Check out Dr. James Waller’s Becoming evil, How ordinary people commit genocide and mass killings. (A lecture) Nonetheless, people tend to think of themselves as good. Maybe later we can have a talk about  Labeling Theory. If you tell a kid or person they are bad long enough, they will embrace the label. That's a discussion for another post.

So for now, think of others as being good to very good. Try to put yourself metaphorically in their shoes. How does that change the picture of what's going on?  Question your own assumptions and consider alternative explanations. Think about how and where you could be wrong. Train yourself to listen carefully, consider what they have said and don't react, rather respond. Instead of interrupting, think through your response after they have finished. A little silence will help to cool emotions. We all like to think we are good. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Want people to listen to you, listen to others. Want to be seen, see others. Want to be understood, understand others. I think you get the idea. In other words, give the grace you would like for yourself. 

Positive Masculinity

 

 In memoriam of John Smith, “A good man.” That was all that was inscribed on a simple square block of concrete next to a public beach access path. To be honest, I don't think John Smith was the name. However, I am 100% certain about the “A Good Man” part. Uncle Bob, who was with me, could not help but comment …”that said it all.”  I have to agree. The statement is simple and all encompassing. I'll dig a little deeper into what it means to me as we consider some aspects of positive masculinity. To be fair, none of these characteristics are exclusive to men only. They are positive traits for anyone to have.

 To be “A Good Man” depends on upbringing, culture and later on, your own definition. We learn about masculinity and femininity through our family, peers and society at large. In addition, we can unlearn negative things and trade them for more pro-social ideas. Nothing is set in stone. As humans, we cannot help but evolve and change with time.  The definition of A Good Man looks much different than it did say 50 years ago. Rather than looking backwards, I'd like to consider the present and future of what this means for me through the lens of positive masculinity.

Positive Masculinity- the expression of traditionally masculine traits—such as strength, leadership, and courage—tempered with empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others, ultimately benefiting the individual and the community.This is the definition according to Google Gemini. This is a starting point at least. Let's dive a little deeper by considering some characteristics. 

Duty- A moral obligation or responsibility that may also be unpleasant but you complete it regardless. Being a member of society often includes unpleasant duties like serving on a jury or paying taxes. It can also be something much simpler like going to a funeral of a respected colleague, not pleasant but something you need to do. 

Honorable- This simply means being trustworthy. An honorable person is not going to steal from me, nor slander my character or speak untruths. Honor can become toxic when taken to extremes. Wanting to avenge insults, wanting to prove courage when it's unnecessary or using it as an excuse to attack someone else. Select your company carefully. You want to be around people where you can leave your cash in the open and no one will take it. Keep it simple, don't steal.

Be Positive- Be able to thrive under pressure without complaint or collapse. Life is going to always be full of challenges and difficulties. Whether you can or cannot do something often depends on your mindset. In the great words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “The problem isn't the problem. The problem is your attitude toward the problem.” Sure, this may not always be true but I think it is a good starting point. Being a negative complainer all the time gets you nowhere. 

Learning is cool- Growth and change come from taking in new information. Be teachable. None of us have all the answers and that's okay. The person who thinks they have it all figured out essentially refuses to grow. I can think of no greater waste of a life. Learning  ties well into my next point or word.

 Humility- I know I don't have all the answers and I'm willing to learn. My education and experience is just that, mine. I don't mind learning from anyone. There are also many who know far more than I do. I like the idea that everyone we come across can teach us something. 

Positive Competition- It's hard to talk about masculinity without bringing up competition or fighting against another or others for success. Being hyper competitive can also be very self-destructive. Viewing all others as competitors leads to isolation and stunted growth. I think positive competition happens when we challenge ourselves. I don't want to do better or be better than you. Rather, I'd like to be better than I was yesterday.

One more thing I think needs to be here. Don't dehumanize or objectify others, especially women. I view locker room talk as toxic masculinity. I prefer not to be around it. You should not put up with it either. Our mothers, sisters and daughters deserve better. Always be respectful.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, much less for males only. These are just a few things that come to mind when I think about positive masculinity for earning the title of A Good Man.

Return with A Little Discussion on Toxic Masculinity

 

I'm not written here in a while. It's time to change that. We need conflict resolution skills now more than ever. I need to do my part and hopefully help you do your part. We will be discussing different topics related to conflict resolution in one way or another. Let's start off with a little bit on toxic masculinity.

Masculinity simply refers to roles of men and boys in a given society. They are not inherently bad. It can be as simple as blue for boys and pink for girls. Let's look a little bit deeper. This is by no means a comprehensive list. I'm simply sharing a few examples and then talking about what happens when they are taken to extremes and become toxic. One masculine trait is being the provider and protector of the family. A second masculine trait is being competitive. A third measurement trait is being tough. We will round out our example with being powerful as a masculine trait. There are countless others as well as variations across cultures.

 

1. Provider and Protector 

2. Competitive

3. Tough

4. Powerful

   
   

None of these seem inherently bad. Providing for and protecting friends and family is good (no matter your gender). Healthy competition can be good as well. It can make you a better athlete, more academically successful and more resilient. Hey, that leads nicely into being tough. Toughness can be necessary to overcome adversity. Power might be more problematic. The best power is the power to control ourselves. Power over others can lead to some pretty dark places. Nonetheless, there will likely always be a need for good and just leaders. What happens when these roles are taken to extremes?

Being the provider and protector can lead to over-controlling, paranoia and oppression. When the “win” must come at any cost, competition goes from being healthy  to something worse, the dehumanization of others. Nobody likes a sore loser or his opposite an arrogant winner. Being tough is cool to a point. However, none of us are immune to needing help from time to time. Not asking for help because you want to be tough can be an expressway to an early grave. Some bully others to try and prove their toughness. That's both harmful and unjust. Building and maintaining power for its own sake can be harmful to not only others but yourself as well. You can become very isolated. Taken to the extreme, power can be used to dehumanize others. Dehumanization never leads anywhere good. 

So what does this have to do with conflict resolution?  Toxic masculinity can lead to a lot of conflict and suffering. Think of the bad boss, the abusive parent, the office bully and so on. Toxic masculinity is a label for certain destructive behaviors that need to be challenged. Simply slapping a negative label on somebody is not going to change behavior. If you are going to criticize, you need to have an alternative, something better to offer. That something can be positive masculinity. Positive masculinity is an approach to manhood based on emotional intelligence, empathy, integrity and non-violent behavior. That is what we will discuss next.

What does it mean to be a good man?

Readings 12.10.23

 

Peace Studies: Inspiration, Objectives, Achievement

Conflict and Resilience Coaching

Greensboro Truth and Reconciliation Commission

Mediation: The Six Stages

Today's Armed Conflicts

More on The Holiday Season

Hello happy holiday people! Let me share with you a few more thoughts on the upcoming holiday season. I was pleased with last week's conversation about conflict over Thanksgiving and conflict in the workplace! There are a number of holidays between now and the dark cold plunge into the winter months. This time of year is full of meaning, ritual and emotion. I think it means something different for each of us. Myself?  Great memories, reflection,  appreciation and good food all come to mind. Keep in mind this is a real difficult time of year for a lot of people.

The December holiday stretch is a pretty sad time for a lot of people. Those who have lost family members and friends recently or long ago may long for past holiday experiences that are now gone forever.  Maybe holidays once spent surrounded by friends and family have been replaced by holidays now spent alone with only a TV and distant memories for company.  It may be that's what they need to do right now, respect it.  Sure, you can offer an invite but be willing to accept a “no thanks.” They will remember the invite. Let others celebrate the holidays in their own way or not celebrate at all. Try not to allow yourself to be bogged down in the expectations of others.

Use this time to step back from the expectations of consumerism and materialism. Christmas, specifically,  should mean more than a leading economic indicator.  I think the best idea of Christmas is giving to those less fortunate and not more stuff for friends and family who already have plenty. Think back on the year about what you have learned and accomplished. Remember those who have helped you along the way. Be willing to give and do only what you are comfortable with. This time of year does not have to be a time of increased stress and anxiety. Lower your expectations of others.

Let me borrow a little religious imagery, “everyone has their own crosses to bear.” If you want to have a great holiday season, one thing you can do is help your friends and family or even strangers really cope with the burdens we all carry. Feeling sad, down and defeated? Help others. I heard this idea from the Dalai Lama a while back and I've found it works!  We should not limit helping others to one small stretch on the calendar but rather year around. 

Here are my two key takeaways.  Don't get stressed by the expectations of others and let others celebrate or not as they see fit.

Holiday and Workplace Conflict

 

Let's Talk About Agency

                 

Agency is the power we have over our own lives.  We feel like we are in control, are able to make decisions and choose between different possible outcomes. Our decisions do have an effect on our lives, we are in control. Having a strong sense of agency can make us more resilient in the face of uncertainty and change. “Whatever comes down the road, I can deal with it.” Agency is what prevents us from collapsing under pressure. So what does our agency have to do with conflict resolution?

Having agency means we have self control. We cannot control all of the events around us, but we can and must learn to control our reactions to things both good and bad. Agency is being able to stand alone for what we feel is right and just. Following the crowd is easy.  Standing back and saying “no” is more difficult. Agency is being able to take a breath and think things through and resist peer pressure when needed.  

Peer pressure  does not magically end after high school or college. We can face peer pressure throughout our lives. At work we may be pressured to look the other way while something shady is going on.  Churches can use peer pressure  to ensure conformity and discourage questioning.  Peer pressure may influence how we act at the gym. We wait for others to finish using the machine we want to use.  We mind our own business while still being courteous to others. Peer pressure is how we enforce social norms.  It does not always have to be negative. I don't want to cut in line because of peer pressure. A strong sense of agency makes us better at conflict resolution.

We are in control of our feelings and not the other way around. We know how to deliberately respond and not react impulsively.  We can take the time we need to slow down and choose words thoughtfully and carefully. We can avoid having others dictate our feelings.  Yes, agency is something we can get better at, practice and improve upon. 

Start small with just taking a slow breath when something stressful arises. mentally look at the problem from a different angle. What does the problem look like from above if you are looking down on it, for example? Who and what do you see?  Consider the motivations and intentions of others. I try to always assume good intentions.  Does the other person intend to be harmful or abusive or is it something else?  I'm not a religious person, but I really like this Bible quote: “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,”-- Jesus.  So take a minute to consider other intentions than merely trying to hurt your feelings. If you find yourself reacting without using agency,  responding in anger for example,  learn from it and try to do better next time. Learning to use your agency takes time.