Return with A Little Discussion on Toxic Masculinity

 

I'm not written here in a while. It's time to change that. We need conflict resolution skills now more than ever. I need to do my part and hopefully help you do your part. We will be discussing different topics related to conflict resolution in one way or another. Let's start off with a little bit on toxic masculinity.

Masculinity simply refers to roles of men and boys in a given society. They are not inherently bad. It can be as simple as blue for boys and pink for girls. Let's look a little bit deeper. This is by no means a comprehensive list. I'm simply sharing a few examples and then talking about what happens when they are taken to extremes and become toxic. One masculine trait is being the provider and protector of the family. A second masculine trait is being competitive. A third measurement trait is being tough. We will round out our example with being powerful as a masculine trait. There are countless others as well as variations across cultures.

 

1. Provider and Protector 

2. Competitive

3. Tough

4. Powerful

   
   

None of these seem inherently bad. Providing for and protecting friends and family is good (no matter your gender). Healthy competition can be good as well. It can make you a better athlete, more academically successful and more resilient. Hey, that leads nicely into being tough. Toughness can be necessary to overcome adversity. Power might be more problematic. The best power is the power to control ourselves. Power over others can lead to some pretty dark places. Nonetheless, there will likely always be a need for good and just leaders. What happens when these roles are taken to extremes?

Being the provider and protector can lead to over-controlling, paranoia and oppression. When the “win” must come at any cost, competition goes from being healthy  to something worse, the dehumanization of others. Nobody likes a sore loser or his opposite an arrogant winner. Being tough is cool to a point. However, none of us are immune to needing help from time to time. Not asking for help because you want to be tough can be an expressway to an early grave. Some bully others to try and prove their toughness. That's both harmful and unjust. Building and maintaining power for its own sake can be harmful to not only others but yourself as well. You can become very isolated. Taken to the extreme, power can be used to dehumanize others. Dehumanization never leads anywhere good. 

So what does this have to do with conflict resolution?  Toxic masculinity can lead to a lot of conflict and suffering. Think of the bad boss, the abusive parent, the office bully and so on. Toxic masculinity is a label for certain destructive behaviors that need to be challenged. Simply slapping a negative label on somebody is not going to change behavior. If you are going to criticize, you need to have an alternative, something better to offer. That something can be positive masculinity. Positive masculinity is an approach to manhood based on emotional intelligence, empathy, integrity and non-violent behavior. That is what we will discuss next.

What does it mean to be a good man?

Readings 12.10.23

 

Peace Studies: Inspiration, Objectives, Achievement

Conflict and Resilience Coaching

Greensboro Truth and Reconciliation Commission

Mediation: The Six Stages

Today's Armed Conflicts

More on The Holiday Season

Hello happy holiday people! Let me share with you a few more thoughts on the upcoming holiday season. I was pleased with last week's conversation about conflict over Thanksgiving and conflict in the workplace! There are a number of holidays between now and the dark cold plunge into the winter months. This time of year is full of meaning, ritual and emotion. I think it means something different for each of us. Myself?  Great memories, reflection,  appreciation and good food all come to mind. Keep in mind this is a real difficult time of year for a lot of people.

The December holiday stretch is a pretty sad time for a lot of people. Those who have lost family members and friends recently or long ago may long for past holiday experiences that are now gone forever.  Maybe holidays once spent surrounded by friends and family have been replaced by holidays now spent alone with only a TV and distant memories for company.  It may be that's what they need to do right now, respect it.  Sure, you can offer an invite but be willing to accept a “no thanks.” They will remember the invite. Let others celebrate the holidays in their own way or not celebrate at all. Try not to allow yourself to be bogged down in the expectations of others.

Use this time to step back from the expectations of consumerism and materialism. Christmas, specifically,  should mean more than a leading economic indicator.  I think the best idea of Christmas is giving to those less fortunate and not more stuff for friends and family who already have plenty. Think back on the year about what you have learned and accomplished. Remember those who have helped you along the way. Be willing to give and do only what you are comfortable with. This time of year does not have to be a time of increased stress and anxiety. Lower your expectations of others.

Let me borrow a little religious imagery, “everyone has their own crosses to bear.” If you want to have a great holiday season, one thing you can do is help your friends and family or even strangers really cope with the burdens we all carry. Feeling sad, down and defeated? Help others. I heard this idea from the Dalai Lama a while back and I've found it works!  We should not limit helping others to one small stretch on the calendar but rather year around. 

Here are my two key takeaways.  Don't get stressed by the expectations of others and let others celebrate or not as they see fit.

Holiday and Workplace Conflict

 

Let's Talk About Agency

                 

Agency is the power we have over our own lives.  We feel like we are in control, are able to make decisions and choose between different possible outcomes. Our decisions do have an effect on our lives, we are in control. Having a strong sense of agency can make us more resilient in the face of uncertainty and change. “Whatever comes down the road, I can deal with it.” Agency is what prevents us from collapsing under pressure. So what does our agency have to do with conflict resolution?

Having agency means we have self control. We cannot control all of the events around us, but we can and must learn to control our reactions to things both good and bad. Agency is being able to stand alone for what we feel is right and just. Following the crowd is easy.  Standing back and saying “no” is more difficult. Agency is being able to take a breath and think things through and resist peer pressure when needed.  

Peer pressure  does not magically end after high school or college. We can face peer pressure throughout our lives. At work we may be pressured to look the other way while something shady is going on.  Churches can use peer pressure  to ensure conformity and discourage questioning.  Peer pressure may influence how we act at the gym. We wait for others to finish using the machine we want to use.  We mind our own business while still being courteous to others. Peer pressure is how we enforce social norms.  It does not always have to be negative. I don't want to cut in line because of peer pressure. A strong sense of agency makes us better at conflict resolution.

We are in control of our feelings and not the other way around. We know how to deliberately respond and not react impulsively.  We can take the time we need to slow down and choose words thoughtfully and carefully. We can avoid having others dictate our feelings.  Yes, agency is something we can get better at, practice and improve upon. 

Start small with just taking a slow breath when something stressful arises. mentally look at the problem from a different angle. What does the problem look like from above if you are looking down on it, for example? Who and what do you see?  Consider the motivations and intentions of others. I try to always assume good intentions.  Does the other person intend to be harmful or abusive or is it something else?  I'm not a religious person, but I really like this Bible quote: “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,”-- Jesus.  So take a minute to consider other intentions than merely trying to hurt your feelings. If you find yourself reacting without using agency,  responding in anger for example,  learn from it and try to do better next time. Learning to use your agency takes time.

Disability Etiquette- My Perspective

 

 I'm a person who was born with a physical disability, Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. It is certainly a visible disability. The following is just my take on disability etiquette and life as a person with a physical disability. You don't have to agree with it and I'm sure there are plenty of things I'm missing. This is just based on my background, experience and education. I realized pretty early on if I was going to be "successful," I would have to use my brain. A career in the NFL or NBA was simply not an option for me. I was fortunate to come of age in a time when automatic institutionalization was no longer a knee-jerk reaction  of the medical community to people born with disabilities.  No, I did not "pull myself up by my own bootstraps",  overcome discrimination or "beat the system" on my own. I was fortunate to have a lot of help along the way in the form of a loving family, good friends and caring educators.There is plenty to complain about here in the US, but we have done a pretty good job on making the world more accessible and acceptable for the disabled community. That's not to say everything's perfect, we still have a long way to go.I've been to other countries where there are no ADA like protections. Getting around and getting by in those places is significantly more challenging. In my experience, accepting attitudes can be even more beneficial than laws on the books.The etiquette I would like to have around me begins with myself.

I cannot assume everyone around me knows what kind of help I may need or want.  If I need help with something, I need to ask in a polite and respectful manner. If someone declines for whatever reason, there's no reason to get mad. I just ask another person. So if you see a disabled person and you think they may need some help with something, don't just assume they do. Ask in a polite and respectful manner. If  the disabled person declines, don't let it  upset you.  I for one, always appreciate people who ask.

 In the last five or so years  I've started using a power chair to get around. I don't feel I'm confined to it, rather I can now go a lot of places I could not go before. I also use another mobility device called a row-scooter that is powered by my arms.  Some may look at these as fancy toys but to the person using them they are vital for exercise and well-being. It may sound funny, but please don't touch such devices used by disabled people. Somebody may get an urge to take off in my power chair because it looks fun and yes it kind of is.  Please don't! Please don't mess with the controls or settings and my power chair is not a place to lean on or an extra seat if I'm not using it at the moment. It's best to think of such medical equipment as an extension of the user. If you want to check it out, just ask. I'll be glad to go over it with you and maybe let you take it for a spin! 

I'm not one to get upset over the language used around disability. The only word I don't like for describing the disabled is "cripple." For whatever reason, it has always rubbed me the wrong way and made me cringe whenever I hear it. Disabled, differently abled,  physically challenged are just different terms to describe the same thing, someone with a physical disability. The term I like the most is person with a disability. That puts the person first. Yes, changing the way we speak may help change the way we think but there are other more important issues that also need addressing. 

I felt like I faced significant discrimination when applying for jobs. People would look at me and just assume I could not work.  It didn't seem to matter that I got through high school and completed a bachelor's degree. Some people just assumed the worst. Having a great phone interview only to be crassly rejected in person later was certainly no fun! I realized such employers were not places I would even want to spend 40 hours a week no matter the pay. I just had to keep looking for the right fit. I found that fit with the state of North Carolina.I think I was hired during "Hire The Handicapped" week but that's okay- I'll take it! I don't like to say just give me a chance but rather earn the respect that warrants a chance. We can all create our own opportunities with consistent determination. Again, I try to temper my expectations of others via what I expect of myself. In my experience, what I put out is what I get back.

If I Inspire others, I hope it is for the right reasons. The fact that I do ordinary everyday things with a disability is not in and of itself inspiring, rather it's just living. I hope to inspire people to consider different ideas, respect different belief systems and gain some new insight through writing and talking. I'm not a disabled person, rather a person who lives with a disability. I think we all have limitations of one kind or another both visible and invisible. The people who inspire me are those who improve the lives of others. 

Conflict Readings 11/3/2023

 

Palestine/Israel: What Peace Would Look Like

Transformative Mediation

What Are Conflict Resolution Skills?

Step by Step Guide to Understanding the Cycle of Violence

Robert Sapolsky Doesn’t Believe in Free Will. (But Feel Free to Disagree.)