Beyond School Bullies

Been thinking about Bullies. We're all too often hearing about kids being literally being bullied to death. They are taking their own lives. I think it is something we have all experienced at one time or another, and if we are honest with ourselves, we may not have always been the victim. I shared my experience with the school bully here and here. Sadly, this behavior has moved far beyond the school yard. Bullies can be found in almost any organization, even churches. What do we mean by "Bully?"

Bully- a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. This is according to dictionary.com.   

I'd say this is as good a definition as any. So we got a definition, but what causes people to become bullies? I'm cautious when trying to "define" anyone. Bulling is a behavior, not a person. Joey may act like a bully at school sometimes, but he's still liked by his peers, and not a bad guy over all. If we slap the "Bully" label on him, are we not actually dehumanizing him? "Oh, he's just a bully. He got what he deserved." We need to remember to separate the behavior from the person. If Joey is in school, he's still just a kid. The boss who uses bullying to get his or her way is still a human being. Our roles change as we go through the day. Is it possible the bully boss may also be a good parent or spouse? Sure. The behavior is not always the person. Like all behaviors, bullying is learned. Something got the bully boss to that point. Was he or she bullied by their boss earlier in their career? They may see fear and intimidation as the best way to get results. Many businesses and organizations have a hierarchical structure that gives some more authority than others. There are a lot of management types out there that view bullying their employees as the best way to get things done. New managers coming in have no reason to feel otherwise and the behavior continues. And while the company may be doing okay, everyone is miserable  Abuse begets abuse. This can clearly be seem in families where the abused grows up to be the abuser. It is what they have learned, and, sadly, all they know. The person demonstrating bully behavior, is doing so because that's what they have learned, and it is re-enforced with approving behavior. In the business world, the bottom line is what matters most, and if a few are bullied along the way, so be it. There is a bright side. New behaviors can be learned. 

The bully manager can learn to get better results from his or her employees with more positive management strategies. He or she can be shown examples of more successful businesses where the employees are happy. Bullied employees can learn new methods to counter the behavior in such a way that does not keep re-enforcing the behavior. The company can implement different methods of conflict resolution such as the use of an ombudsman. What's needed for this kind of change to be brought about is a simple recognition of the status quo having to change. Stressed employees  cost money in a number of different ways, everything from absenteeism, to less productivity, to work place violence. Is bullying really the best way to get the most out of people? Well, I don't think so.             

We'll pick up what YOU can do in the next post. 

More information :
Workplace Bullying

More Defined

Bullying and Civil Rights

Positive Peace

Trying to stay positive in a conflict situation can be difficult but is essential. It is all too easy to let our emotions get the best of us, and this can sometimes bring our worst. I think it is safe to say we seldom, if ever make good decisions when we are angry. When we are upset, we only want the thing making us angry to "go away" as quickly as possible. This can easily lead to "snap" decisions we later regret. It can be something small like yelling at a loved one saying the wrong thing, thus making the problem even worse. More often than not, we do all we can to avoid conflict all together; Avoidance. I'll confess I'm as guilty of this as anyone and I should know better. I think this is a natural reaction, even for a conflict coach! We all want to avoid the stress and drama of re-opening or starting a disagreement. Putting it off will often make it worse when it resurfaces later on down the road. "Why did you wait so long to tell me this?" "We should have addressed this a month ago!" Avoiding the unavoidable only creates another issue to be resolved. In our western culture, it is best to be direct. This does not mean being aggressive, threatening or loud. Such tactics will create additional issues to be resolved. Rather, stay positive.

When something comes up, address it. "Hey, I have a concern.; "I feel uncomfortable about. . ." or another cool phrase I heard once "Bookmark that..." (Let's come back to that soon).Keeping your cool is essential for avoiding much of the unpleasantness we often associate with conflict. Hopefully, it can be resolved in a conversational tone without a need for blood pressure medication. If I feel anger coming on, I want to take a break until it passes. Raising my voice and talking faster will only encourage the other person to do the same. That seldom, if ever, ends well. Taking a break and remaining calm lead to better outcomes. Resolving differences in this way creates something called Positive Peace.

I learned of Positive Peace from Johan Galtung, a brilliant scholar, considered by many the father of peace studies. Positive Peace is based on fair, equal and just treatment of others. Like many concepts in conflict resolution, it applies on many different levels; from you and I, groups and communities all the way up to nation-states. If we all feel we have a voice or a say in what goes on in our lives in relation to others, we feel equal. Our problems can be addressed in a just manner, creating a Positive Peace. We feel listened to and valued. I think Positive Peace is far too rare. Yes, there is a such thing as a Negative Peace. Think of a dictatorship that rules people by fear. It may be "peaceful" but in a spooky way. This concept can be applied in the home or work place as well. Think of a tyrannical boss or abusive husband who relies on fear to get their way. I doubt this is a place anyone wants to be, including the boss or husband. They too CAN learn better ways of working with others to create a Positive Peace where everyone benefits.