Elements of an Apology

 

Hi all,  just a few thoughts on what makes a sincere and effective apology. It needs to be more than just the old “I'm sorry.” I'm sure you've heard that or something close to it from uncaring customer service types your whole adult life. Now sure, sometimes they are being sincere. I bet you can tell the difference right away, especially if the person you're speaking with was responsible for the problem. Sometimes, all that's needed is a simple “excuse me”  like if you bump into someone in a crowd. There's no need to make it weird and awkward.  What we are talking about today goes beyond the simple “excuse me.” When you cause real harm a better apology is needed. What does that look like? Let's keep it simple so it's easy to remember.

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge what you did wrong. It is probably best to do this in private. Making a show of your apology will likely have the opposite effect you are looking for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, missed a key deadline or something much more serious. It should not matter. The key is taking responsibility. If you feel there was a valid reason for your actions, explain yourself. Yes, that can be different from making excuses. To me an excuse would be blaming your actions on something unrelated. “It was raining outside so I was mad,” is not a good explanation. Now you haven't accepted responsibility, great! What's next?

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see how your action affected them. If you had a legitimate reason, could they see it? Acknowledge their hurt feelings and give them space and time to explain to you why it was hurtful. Rephrase back to them what they tell you in your own words to acknowledge and be sure you understand them. Don't interrupt while they are speaking. This is certainly not the time to try and get a “win.” So avoid turning it into a debate. There are two more steps.

 Express remorse for your actions. This is assuming you, yourself have decided you owe the other person an apology. Hopefully, you are not being made to apologize by someone else like a boss or a parent. It's difficult to apologize for something you did not feel was wrong. If you are genuinely sorry about what happened, be sincere in expressing your regret. If the other person thinks you are not serious, there's a good chance an insincere apology will make it worse.  So now you have owned up to your error, empathized with the other person  and expressed regret in a sincere manner. There's only one thing left.

Promise to the best of your ability not to repeat the behavior or action that caused the problem. Think of it like this, “I won't let that happen again,” then follow through. There is little you can do to break trust faster than apologizing, agreeing not to do whatever caused the harm and then touring around to do the same thing. That is a relationship destroyer that may be impossible to ever come back from. On the other hand, a good apology can actually increase trust and understanding.

Motion of Emotions

Being in a stressful situation can really get your emotions going! Being really angry or sad is not the best state to be in to make good clear decisions. Often, we find ourselves having to offer up apologies for things we did or said when anger got the better of us. That's never a good feeling. There are ways to keep emotions under control.



Walk Away. When anger starts to build, you can hear your voice getting louder and faster. Even the body gets in on the act becoming more rigid and even changing color (is a deep red your best color?). When this starts, take a break. The others involved should respect this, unless they are already boiling over. That all the more reason to step away. Leave the room, leave the building, do what you need to to keep anger from taking over. No one wins (or gets a just resolution when it does.

Focus on the Problem, not the feeling. Before meeting those you are in conflict with ask yourself what it is that's causing the anger or sadness. Be honest with yourself. It may be something totally unrelated and the most recent event was the "straw that broke the Camel's back" causing a flood of negative emotion to release. By stepping back, you can re-focus on solving the problem logically and justly.

Don't try to "Win."  Resolving serious issues will likely call for "give and take." This is not the best time to whip out the me first ego. Rather than a focus on "winning" try to find a solution all can live with. It is highly unlikely a perfect solution can be found where all are happy. But if people can set their egos aside workable solutions can be found. After all, its about how we play the game.  

Peel the Onion One way to think about conflict is in layers like an onion. Anger and sadness are symptoms on the surface for all to see. Try to find the cause and once you do, find what caused that problem. Keep peeling until you reach the core issue. This may result in solving many issues at once.