On Truth

We all have a notion of what the truth is. But can there really be a Capital T Truth? I guess there is in math. It is true 2 +2 = 4. The hard sciences, like physics, have Capital T Truths like planets orbit stars and so on. We can figure some of these things out. But when it comes to relationships with our fellow human beings, hard truths become more elusive. Memories fade, new experiences further cloud our minds and the relentless march of time changes our perspective. Think of all the cases where eyewitnesses were proven wrong mistaking identity with sometimes-disastrous effects. How do we KNOW what we know? We create stories to explain events. Sometimes our stories miss or leave out important details. Accepting such mistakes is not easy. It can be hard admitting we were wrong about something. When we do, we have to examine ourselves more closely, as well as how we create our inner stories. In a culture where we are supposed to be strong, and not make mistakes hard self-reflection is not easy. Our egos, shaped by a hyper-individualistic, culture don't take the idea of possibly being wrong well. Admitting fault or error shows weakness. How does all of this play out in an on going dispute?

I feel strongly that I was wronged, and my feelings have been hurt. I cannot understand how things got to this point, and I'm stressed out wishing it would just "go away." To resolve the issue, I'm going to have to let go a little and walk in the other person's shoes. It is much easier to write this than really do it. I will have to rethink my story about what has transpired, and get past the I'm right and you're wrong notion I've been holding on to. I, like many people, will need a good reason to doubt my own conclusions. Otherwise, I'll not resolve anything. I'll just carry on saying he or she is a so and so (insert your favorite expletive), and not much will change. I have to have a good reason to re-open old wounds and hurts. The relationship with this person must be more valuable than holding onto old hurts. Family is a good example. We cannot change our family members. Our parents will always be our parents. It could be a good long-term business relationship. I feel like I was done wrong. Should I end an otherwise good, and mutually beneficial relationship? If the answer is "No," I need to resolve the problem. I have to be in the right place mentally.

I need to be able to think of the Truth, subjectively. Others also have what they consider Truth and I need to be open to considering their point of view. If I'm going into try and resolve an old hurt, I need to back off from merely defending "my position." One way to do this is go for a helicopter ride. Not literally but intellectually. By this I mean to take myself out of the situation, and survey the whole area around the conflict. I may be able to see important things I've missed that can be used to reach an agreeable and just outcome. All involved need to shed their fear of heights, and come out from the barricades egos have built up over time to take a fresh view of what has transpired. If those involved cannot agree, at least in principal, to let go a little there is little hope of truly resolving anything. Just agreeing to talk openly and honestly is a big step in the right direction. At the very least, we can learn some new information.        

A few Sunday morning thoughts... 

Some Basics

Alternative Dispute Resolution

Why and When to Call

Carolina Animal Rescue & Adoption 

Why do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

When members view meetings as being unproductive and getting in the way of their work instead of helpful and productive, a facilitator may be helpful. There can be times when a few individuals "take over meetings" for better or for worse. Not everyone is being heard from and valuable input may be getting lost. A sensitive subject may lead to strong feelings being expressed unprofessionally with employees attacking each other rather than the problem. People fall into habits meeting regularly over time. The joker does her thing, the whiner does his thing, Mr. Grumpy is the same ole grumpy. Those ceiling tile counters continue to quietly sit there with a blank stare adding nothing. The dominator tries to control things. The bottom line is things are not getting accomplished.

When do I need to call a Professional Facilitator?

If any or all of the above are slowing down your organization, it is likely also costing money in lost time and productivity. How long can you afford "business as usual?"         

Perspective.

Heavy Reading.

This is well beyond the kind of work I do but it may help keep things in perspective.

-Paul

Motion of Emotions

Being in a stressful situation can really get your emotions going! Being really angry or sad is not the best state to be in to make good clear decisions. Often, we find ourselves having to offer up apologies for things we did or said when anger got the better of us. That's never a good feeling. There are ways to keep emotions under control.



Walk Away. When anger starts to build, you can hear your voice getting louder and faster. Even the body gets in on the act becoming more rigid and even changing color (is a deep red your best color?). When this starts, take a break. The others involved should respect this, unless they are already boiling over. That all the more reason to step away. Leave the room, leave the building, do what you need to to keep anger from taking over. No one wins (or gets a just resolution when it does.

Focus on the Problem, not the feeling. Before meeting those you are in conflict with ask yourself what it is that's causing the anger or sadness. Be honest with yourself. It may be something totally unrelated and the most recent event was the "straw that broke the Camel's back" causing a flood of negative emotion to release. By stepping back, you can re-focus on solving the problem logically and justly.

Don't try to "Win."  Resolving serious issues will likely call for "give and take." This is not the best time to whip out the me first ego. Rather than a focus on "winning" try to find a solution all can live with. It is highly unlikely a perfect solution can be found where all are happy. But if people can set their egos aside workable solutions can be found. After all, its about how we play the game.  

Peel the Onion One way to think about conflict is in layers like an onion. Anger and sadness are symptoms on the surface for all to see. Try to find the cause and once you do, find what caused that problem. Keep peeling until you reach the core issue. This may result in solving many issues at once.  

Story Staying Power

I read this article, Multiculturalism, Chronic Illness, and Disability, about the stories different cultures tell about chronic illness and disability. Sadly, much is based on superstitions, folklore and religious beliefs. It was overwhelmingly negative. One is disabled because of a family curse, another is he or she did something bad in a past life, and one more is being disabled is a form of "punishment." I got the impression that these stories are deep seated and are almost impossible to re-write or let go of all together. I think this applies to many of our stereo-types that simply do not hold up to any serious scrutiny. Why do they persist?

My default when answering such a question is asking who benefits? If disabled people are denied access to jobs and social interactions, that means less competition for non-disabled people. If African Americans are treated in the same manner, European Americans benefit, right? Is this an over simplification?  What I'm getting at is the persistent stories that many believe, even when they are untrue.My question to you guys is what makes some myths stick around much longer than they should? 

-Paul            

An Important Read

How Doctors Die