Reflect Positive Peace

What Happens In Your Brain When You Get Mad, And How To Control It

No Re-do's

I was watching a little Science Fiction lately (I'll pass on the Honey Bobo) and all the bad things that happened in the two shows were reversed by cool time travel theatrics. I don't think we have that kind of technology here in the real world. We don't have the option of redo's. Once the wrong thing has been said, poor decision acted on or something left undone, that's it. We are left with the aftermath. The best thing we can do for the future we want is is be present and mindful of our words and deeds today.


When it is too late, Dr. Johan Galtung has a saying, "I wish it were undone." Recognizing "the wrong" is a big step in the right direction.

Have a good weekend all!

-Paul

Not All Cookies and Cream

Life is not all cookies and cream, not by a long shot.There are numerous speed bumps along the way. An old friend called distasteful people that came through his life "vertical speed bumps." Kind of go over or around them and keep on keeping on. When a conflict is really deep and difficult, we call it entrenched or intractable. A good political example would be Israel and Palestine. When is it time to let go of a deep conflict or wade into destructive creation? When something is destroyed, something else new takes its place. The wife moves on after the ex-husband, as old business relationships are cut, new ones are formed and we reinvent ourselves socially and career wise becoming a new person. These are some of the transformations that take place during conflict.

Most of us see conflict as a bad thing but it can also do much good. Sometimes, unhealthy relationships need to end. My questions are;

When is enough enough?

How do we decide to cut our losses and move on?

What comes next?

Let's think about these.

When is enough enough?
If the damage being done outweighs the benefits of the relationship at some point, we have to move on. If I have a friend who's idea of joking around is constantly putting me down and laughing at my expense and all I get out of the deal is not having to go out alone, I should try to address the issue. If this does not work, I may choose to simply stay at home and or make new better friends. No one should put up with insults and abuse, especially from a friend.

How do we decide to cut our losses and move on?
This is a question with no easy answers. In the above example, our friend may just be going through a weird phase as a result of some stresser we are unaware of. If you think this is what's going on, it may be worth riding it out awhile to keep an otherwise good Friend. On TV and in the movies, these decisions are pretty much cut and dry, the whole bad guy thing.


What comes next?
Think about what will life look like on the other side. Think about the best possible outcome and move towards that goal. Life may not be like anything you imagined it, but it could also much better. The key is, is it worth it keeping things as they are, unhealthy relationships.

Life is messy and anything but all Cookies and cream.







    

Silence is Golden.

You get into a heated argument with a good friend after a long bad week at work. The argument started over something stupid. You're not even sure what it was now and things are going from bad to worse. It was someting trivial like who bought the first round last week; something that normally would have sparked a round of jokes had you not been feeling stressed and worried. Our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. Now, if the friend also had a bad week a lot of damage can be done in a short amount of time. How can this be ended while still keeping the friend?

I find when I'm upset with a friend over something stupid or anything really, the friend is not the problem. If I pause and think about it, the cause of my anger is most often something within me. In the buying rounds example, I feel bad because I did not buy a round last week and I've been beating myself up over not being generous lately. So my emotions get the best of me and I become all defensive and cause a scene. Yeah, not a great example but the idea is others often reflect back what we are putting out. Think about it. . . and next time you get angry with somebody, pause and ask "am I really upset with myself over something?" If this is true, apoligize and tell the other person or people what's going on. They'll get it. Being quiet and taking a little time to think can work wonders.

A silent pause can also give time for stuff to sink in. Take a moment to think about what the other guy said and more importantly, think about what you want to say next. Will it escelate or descelate the argument? Remember, the more damage done, the harder and longer it will be to undo. When the other person pauses, it may not be the best time to fill the void with more hot angry air. Give them space to think and consider their next actions. Nobody really likes being in a conflict situation (and if they do it may be best to avoid them). Examining your own emotions / feelings even when someone is trying to unload their bad juju on you, is important. If I react badly or in kind if you will, I too may want to do a little self reflection.    

Positive Peace

Trying to stay positive in a conflict situation can be difficult but is essential. It is all too easy to let our emotions get the best of us, and this can sometimes bring our worst. I think it is safe to say we seldom, if ever make good decisions when we are angry. When we are upset, we only want the thing making us angry to "go away" as quickly as possible. This can easily lead to "snap" decisions we later regret. It can be something small like yelling at a loved one saying the wrong thing, thus making the problem even worse. More often than not, we do all we can to avoid conflict all together; Avoidance. I'll confess I'm as guilty of this as anyone and I should know better. I think this is a natural reaction, even for a conflict coach! We all want to avoid the stress and drama of re-opening or starting a disagreement. Putting it off will often make it worse when it resurfaces later on down the road. "Why did you wait so long to tell me this?" "We should have addressed this a month ago!" Avoiding the unavoidable only creates another issue to be resolved. In our western culture, it is best to be direct. This does not mean being aggressive, threatening or loud. Such tactics will create additional issues to be resolved. Rather, stay positive.

When something comes up, address it. "Hey, I have a concern.; "I feel uncomfortable about. . ." or another cool phrase I heard once "Bookmark that..." (Let's come back to that soon).Keeping your cool is essential for avoiding much of the unpleasantness we often associate with conflict. Hopefully, it can be resolved in a conversational tone without a need for blood pressure medication. If I feel anger coming on, I want to take a break until it passes. Raising my voice and talking faster will only encourage the other person to do the same. That seldom, if ever, ends well. Taking a break and remaining calm lead to better outcomes. Resolving differences in this way creates something called Positive Peace.

I learned of Positive Peace from Johan Galtung, a brilliant scholar, considered by many the father of peace studies. Positive Peace is based on fair, equal and just treatment of others. Like many concepts in conflict resolution, it applies on many different levels; from you and I, groups and communities all the way up to nation-states. If we all feel we have a voice or a say in what goes on in our lives in relation to others, we feel equal. Our problems can be addressed in a just manner, creating a Positive Peace. We feel listened to and valued. I think Positive Peace is far too rare. Yes, there is a such thing as a Negative Peace. Think of a dictatorship that rules people by fear. It may be "peaceful" but in a spooky way. This concept can be applied in the home or work place as well. Think of a tyrannical boss or abusive husband who relies on fear to get their way. I doubt this is a place anyone wants to be, including the boss or husband. They too CAN learn better ways of working with others to create a Positive Peace where everyone benefits.