Talk To People You Disagree With

 Pete Seeger once said,  “It’s a very important thing to learn to talk to people you disagree with.”

I couldn't agree more! Especially in these times of alleged deep divisions. I'm not 100% convinced we are as divided as those in the media say we are.  Most people don't follow politics closely.  People are too busy living their lives to trudge deeply into the red / blue divide. But don't get me wrong, we still have plenty of disagreements. So how do we talk to people we disagree with?  Here are a few things to consider:

Humility- We are not always right.  All of us are limited by our own experiences, education and any training we may have had.  Simply put, no one is a know-it-all. That includes us, me and you. In my experience, the more education I got the more questions it produced. 

 Respectfully  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect even those we disagree with. If we are truly a free nation, we should be able to express our thoughts and opinions.  That does not necessarily mean there are no consequences for what we say. Other people also have the right to be offended, aghast and horrified by some opinions and beliefs. Being respectful is a two-way street. Be willing to hear the other person out without interruption.

 Sincerity-  Keep an open mind and try to learn something new. The goal should not be merely to offend someone. If you want to talk with someone you disagree with, be sincere about learning why they feel the way they do. A disagreement does not always have to be resolved. Sometimes, the best thing to do is agree to disagree and let it go at that. 

 Humor-  A little humor goes a long way towards lightening the mood. Of course this depends on the setting, how well you know the person and your relationship.  Your boss may have a very different sense of humor than you, for example. If you can poke a little fun at yourself, that may go a long way to helping the other person listen to you. 

 

 A few more things to consider are the volume of your voice and try to avoid the word “you.”  A good skill to have is learning how to talk about charged topics without getting too upset or emotional. It takes time and practice but is well worth it. When people hear “you” they almost invariably get defensive and more upset.  Unless of course you're saying I love you! Slow down and think carefully about what you are going to say.  If you are starting to get angry, take a break. Things said in anger are more often than not regrettable. Avoid dehumanizing and demonizing any group, even groups we disagree with. No one is all good or all bad.

Alternative Dispute Resolution- Some Tools

Alternative Dispute Resolution methods are ways of resolving conflicts without using the legal system.  They are an alternative to the legal system. Mediation, negotiation, and facilitation are some of the most common methods of alternative dispute resolution. They require an essential element to work, buy in. People need to be able to agree to use the process for a just resolution rather than their own designs or goals.  There is no point in entering a negotiation if your only goal is to “win.” I think the same thing can be said for mediation. There are other elements that separate alternative dispute resolution from the legal system.

The legal system can use coercive force,  punishments. You can be fined or jailed or both. In an extreme case you can even be put to death.  Whether or not this actually helps the community or the people involved is often up for debate. Sending someone to jail or executing them does not somehow undo what has happened. The legal system (think the state) also has a monopoly on the use of violence. It is generally acceptable for the police to use violence at their own discretion. The debate around police violence is beyond the scope of this blog post. Let's take a closer look at some of the tools of Alternative Dispute Resolution.  

Mediation. One or more persons acts as go betweens those in dispute. The role of the mediator is to facilitate dialogue between two or more parties in conflict. Initially, the parties will talk directly with the mediator and not necessarily each other. This can be subject to change depending on what the parties want to do. The idea is to keep the emotional temperature down and start a constructive dialogue. As things progress, the parties may  choose to interact more and more with each other working toward acceptable resolutions. The mediator is not there to create a solution. The role of the mediator is to help the parties find and create their own solution. If acceptable solutions cannot be found, they may want to consider going to arbitration which is part of the legal system. An arbitration is legally binding. The parties must accept the decision of the arbitrator. Sometimes, this may be the best solution.

Negotiation. This can be thought of as two or more people trying to divide a pie. Most often, parties will talk directly to each other. A good example now is the unions for Auto Workers  negotiating better pay and benefits for employees of GM, Ford and Stellantis. All sides have to consider what are their essentials and what can they live without. It's important in  any negotiation to know as much as possible about the other side.The parties need to know about each other's motivations. This may or may not be an easy task. Negotiating involves doing homework long before sitting down with the other party or parties. Honest negotiations are more about finding acceptable solutions than winning.

Facilitation. Simply put, to make easy.  facilitation is less about different parties in conflict and more about conflict within a group. The role of the facilitator is to keep a meeting on track and free from deleterious comments and actions. Depending on the group and circumstances, the facilitator may help with establishing ground rules for how the meeting will be conducted. The facilitator will also help keep a record of the meeting for the organization. The meeting is not about the facilitator. It should be about what the group can accomplish together.  In a well facilitated meeting, the group may not even remember the facilitators name!  

There are other methods that fall under the umbrella of Alternative Dispute Resolution in my mind such as restorative justice and Truth and Reconciliation. There are numerous other methods that fall under indigenous conflict resolution systems.  The key to Alternative Dispute Resolution is buy-in.  if people don't really want to participate or are just going through the motions these methods are much less likely to be successful.

Intractable? Israel, Hamas, and the Middle East

 

October 7^th, 2023 is being called Israel's 9/11. Hamas launched a massive surprise terrorist attack killing over 1,400 Israelis, both military and civilians. The world now holds its breath as Israel is sure to launch a massive response. Will this derail normalization efforts between Israel and her neighbors, most importantly, Saudi Arabia? Will this lead to a wider regional war? And how bad will it be for all the people caught in the crossfire? Only time can answer these questions. There are people who have dedicated their entire lives to studying this region, seeking just resolutions to the many facets of this seemingly intractable conflict. I know a little about it but not near enough. However, as a conflict resolution professional I would like to share some thoughts with you. I'm sure there will be something here to offend almost everyone but that is not my intention. My intent is just to think out loud and generate some thoughts and conversations.

 

First, I think it may be helpful to get rid of the idea of good guys and bad guys. Yes, the terrorist attack was an act of evil. But in any war atrocities will be committed on all sides. There is no way to know how many people who had nothing to do with the attack and are just going about their lives will be killed in what will likely be a very heavy-handed Israeli response. In perpetrating this attack, Hamas will lose a lot of the sympathy around the plight of the Palestinians. The knee jerk reaction here in the West and I think Israel itself will be to “bomb them into the Stone Age.” If Israel chooses this path then she will lose much sympathy in the West and around the world. Whatever goals Hamas had in perpetrating this attack will likely go unrealized. Once conflict and wars are started, they take on a life of their own and will move in unpredictable and uncontrollable directions. The weak terms “good” and “bad” are basically useless in this context.

 

Second, let's dispense with the idea of sides. “Sides” implies only two groups. Yes, we are talking about Israel and Hamas but there are many more groups involved. There are factions within the Israeli government. There are a multitude of political groups among the Palestinians and the other nations of the Middle East. The notion of sides is another way of slipping into the good guy versus bad guy fallacy. It is impossible to know how all these groups we'll interact as time goes by. Think of the fog of war but on a much larger scale. We would do well to remember that the group that suffers the most in war are the poor. Poor Palestinians with little hope and no place to go will pay the highest price for Hamas’s decision to attack Israel. I'm sure there are poor Israelis. There are certainly Israelis who had nothing to do with the poor treatment of the Palestinians who have been and will be killed in this war. So if you have to pick a “side” go with the poor and innocents who will lose their lives, be injured and forever have their lives altered by this insane act.

 

Third, the fallout from this conflict will likely last decades into the future. It seems to me this is a continuation in a seemingly never-ending cycle of violence in and around Israel. We, in the rest of the world, should not just accept this as normal. Yes, Israel has been fighting much of the time since her inception in 1948. Many say the conflict goes much longer. True, but that does not absolve us of our responsibility to seek a lasting and just peace. Whatever nations can play a role in bringing this about cannot say or accept this is just normal. I cannot accept that there are no solutions other than continued acts of terrorism followed by a massive military response that always fails to bring about a lasting peace. We must try to do better.

 

I believe Israel has the right to exist. I also believe Palestinians have the right to exist as well. We must figure out a way they can coexist peacefully. The best proposal I know of is the two-state solution but again, I'm not an expert in this area. These problems need to be solved by those affected directly in a cooperative and just manner. The rest of the world cannot impose a solution or solutions. A lasting and just peace will require a lot of work from those directly affected.

 

One more thing, be careful of what you read in the age of unverified news. Any story that seems too crazy, too evil or just plain nuts needs to be checked several times from different sources. There are many out there who are more interested in outrage and fear than doing actual reporting. Sure, terrible things will happen just double and triple check what you are reading. Also, consider your sources. Please do not rely on just one or two. Keep in mind we are only at the beginning of this new cycle of violence. The outcomes are unpredictable. Be leery of anyone who claims to know what the outcome will be.

Tools of Self-Control

We don't lash out at strangers. We don't know how they may react, especially in this time of road rage and gun violence. Unfortunately, we often save our fury for those around us who we know well and love the most. This can be as simple as a verbal disagreement over something minor, or taken to the extreme, can be domestic violence. The key is to recognize what's going on and deescalate. Why am I getting irrationally angry, why is my spouse getting irrationally angry? Is it for the minor misunderstanding that started the altercation or is it something completely unrelated?

 

When I find myself growing angry with someone, I'm reminded of what someone told me a long time ago. It's likely I'm angry with myself for some reason. So, I try to pause and do a little self-reflection to figure out what it is that's really upsetting me. More often than not, it's not the building altercation. Maybe it's some unaddressed issue, worry or irrational fear. The important thing is to slow down, pause and take a breath. That will give me a moment to search for the root cause of whatever is bothering me. I can then address it and not take out frustrations on those around me. If I discover what's really bothering me, I can address it with the help of my spouse or whoever I'm upset with at the time. Take a breath and think it through! It could also be something as simple as hunger or thirst making me feel uncomfortable and irritable.

 

What should I do when I'm on the receiving end of someone's anger? I need to ask myself do they have a legitimate concern? If they do, I need to own up to my own error and take responsibility for my actions. I also need to let the person know I hear and understand what they are saying. Maybe an apology is in order. The worst thing I can do is blame them for my behavior or blame someone else. In addition to accepting responsibility, I need to change the behavior that caused the problem in the first place. Even if I don't feel responsible for the other person’s anger, I still need to hear them out and try to figure out why they are upset. The challenge is doing this without sounding overly defensive. A tool I like to use is asking sincere questions. What's wrong? When did this start? How does it make you feel? What can I do better? What's hard to convey here is tone of voice. Mind how you ask questions.

 

I want to be the best version of myself for those around me. I know this cannot be the case 100% of the time. Being the best version of me means taking responsibility for my actions, a willingness to apologize when necessary and changing my behavior. It also means being empathetic and keeping my emotions under control. If we say and do things in anger, it will only make the situation worse. I need to be present and listen attentively to what the other person is saying. The most valuable thing we have is our time. We should share it fully with those around us.

Conversations for the Later Stages of Life

We don't like to think about the last phase of our life nor the end of our life. Most of us would rather think about anything but these. Unfortunately, time moves forward and does not care. And after we are gone- everything about us will be without us. There are at least three crucial conversations we all need to have with friends and family as we move into old age.

 

What do you want to happen if you are terminally ill and dependent on machines to keep you alive? Do you want to be taken off life support or be kept on in the hope medical science can resolve your problems? Do you want others in your family to have a say in this decision? Perhaps so. I think ultimately the final decision is up to us. If you wait to make this decision too long, it will be made by others for you. It's not something you should ask others to do. Some may spend the rest of their lives agonizing over whether they made the right decision for you or not. Get a Living Will and discuss it with friends and family before it becomes an issue.

 

What kind of care do you want if you can no longer care for yourself? There will come a time when family cannot give the care you need. Giving 24/7 care for someone who can do little to nothing for themselves is no simple task. Prepare for this ahead of time. This is another conversation that is essential for avoiding trouble down the road. You want to have a say in what kind of care you get and where. Those around you need to know your wishes. Workout with friends and family who will see you and advocate for you when needed. Plan for how care can be paid for. Set aside money and maybe consider buying Long-Term Care Insurance.

 

Who will get what after you're gone? You have worked hard and built substantial wealth. The last thing you want is friends and family fighting over who gets what in protracted, costly legal battles after you are gone. Yes, I think people fundamentally want to do the right thing but when money's involved, behaviors change. Create a will and discuss it with family and friends. Let people ask questions and answer them honestly. You can meet with people one-on-one and I would also meet with people in a group. Having several friends and family members around makes a “he said she said” situation less likely. It doesn't have to be only one meeting, you can do several. It's not the most fun conversation but one that can save a lot of conflict and strife down the road for your loved ones.

 

I'm sure there are many other important conversations to have. Most will be specific to the situation and those around you. Perhaps there is fence mending that needs to be completed or other lingering unaddressed issues that need to be dealt with. Each one of us is different and so the needs will be different. I think the three things above-who will get what after you're gone, how to handle elder care and do you want a living will or not are crucial for avoiding protracted conflict after you are gone. What conversations have I missed?

The Apology

Well, I said or did the wrong thing. And I accept responsibility for my actions. If left unaddressed things are just going to get worse and worse. This is all kinds of bad for relationships of all sorts. Doesn't matter if it's a close family member, a coworker, or a friend- a hurt left unaddressed will fester and grow worse with time. It can completely change how someone views me or you. A little time to reflect and I realize I need to apologize. The question is how. There are good ways to apologize and not so good ways.

 

We are going to assume there's a need to apologize and a value in continuing the relationship. If someone cuts you off in traffic, there's little chance they are going to apologize. The reason is simple, there's no relationship. Now an altercation with a family member or coworker is very different. There is a long and ongoing relationship. It's going to be hard to be around either, with an unaddressed wrong. An apology is an important step in addressing the wrong committed. I think the most important aspect of an apology is sincerity. If it's not sincere, the other person will likely see through it and that will only make matters worse. But I'm are sincere and want to do it right. Here are a few helpful suggestions I need to consider.

 

I'll take responsibility for my actions with I statements. I should admit I was at fault and empathize with the other person. Maybe I feel it is not completely my fault and the other person is also blameworthy.. That's okay but save that for later on. An apology should stand alone. I'll agree to not repeating the action that created the problem in the first place in the future. Even if I feel it was not my fault an apology is not the time to try and justify my actions. If I want to explain my side in more detail it is best to save this for another conversation when emotions have had time to cool off. 

 

I'll listen carefully to how the other person responds. If it's with sarcasm and anger it may be a good idea to continue the conversation later. However, if they explain the cause of the hurt, frustration and anger I should listen carefully. To be sure I get what they are saying I'll repeat back to them in my own words what they are telling you so they know I fully understand. Once again, I'll empathize. The last step is the most important one.

 

Now for the most important part- I don't repeat the behavior or actions that caused the problem in the first place. I learn from the mistake and move forward. There is little worse than a sincere sounding apology followed up with no corrective action. This will likely make matters even worse had I not even apologized in the first place. The other person will view me as someone who doesn't keep my word and is untrustworthy. Most people are willing to give a second chance. They are less likely to give a third, fourth, or fifth chance.

 

Some Tools of Alternative Dispute Resolution

 

When we think of serious conflict here in the US, we think of the legal system. Have a serious disagreement with a neighbor, a family member or whoever, you can take them to court. If actual laws are broken, the state or federal government will take them to court. It's true, we are a nation of laws and no one is above the law, not even ex-presidents, as we are finding out. In our constitution we have protections and rights and let's not forget responsibilities. No doubt, there is a lot of good in our system. Although it's slow, I think we get just outcomes. Yes, there are serious problems like one justice system for the wealthy and another for the poor. Our legal system is expensive, cumbersome and very bureaucratic. That's hardly a good way to settle a minor dispute with a neighbor or family member. This is where alternative dispute resolution comes in.

 

Alternative dispute resolution uses tools such as mediation, negotiation, and facilitation to help people resolve their differences. These tools are great but I don't think they can replace the legal system. However, they can help. Instead of going to lawyers, judges and outsiders determining who gets what traditional route of divorce a couple can now get a mediated divorce. For this to work, I think the couple should at least be on speaking terms. Personally, I don't think this is an option if child abuse or other forms of domestic violence are occurring. That is clearly best left to the courts to sort out. That said, many couples may benefit separating via mediated divorce. The court system can drag on for months and months and possibly even years via delays and appeals while mediated settlements can be reached much quicker and still be legally binding. This can free up the court system four more pressing societal problems like violent crime.

 

Mediation gives the parties in a dispute more control over the outcome then they would have going to court. The conflicting parties have an opportunity to meet face to face and listen to each other. Mediation is not about winning. The idea is to find solutions to problems both sides can live with. I've seen this firsthand. There was an extended family involved in a drawn out court battle over a substantial estate. Meeting together with a mediator they were able to successfully resolve who got what in less than six hours. It was nice seeing people leave happy and once again on speaking terms after being estranged for years! I don't think either side won in the traditional sense but they did find solutions everyone could live with. Another tool of alternative dispute resolution is facilitation.

 

Sometimes groups can get bogged down, unable to help their organization move forward. Meetings become counterproductive and in the worst case sometimes make matters worse. Members of an organization in a meeting create a system. Each person takes on a role within that system. That's great until the system stops functioning properly. Bad attitudes, big egos and hunger for power (even within a small organization) can stymie growth and innovation. Getting things done or trying to make changes becomes next to impossible. This may be a good time to call in a professional facilitator. A facilitator simply by being there changes the system. Those with bad attitudes, big egos and power trips are less likely to act out with an unknown person in the room. Depending on the need, the facilitator can work with the group to lay out ground rules and goals for the meeting. It's important to note although a facilitator may suggest some ground rules, it is up to the people in the meeting to approve them along with their own proposed rules. Once again control is in the hands of the attendees and not being an imposed by someone else. Facilitation can be a great way to get things unstuck and moving forward again. 

 

Another tool in the alternative dispute resolution toolbox is negotiation. Like mediation and facilitation, the emphasis is on giving the parties more say and control in the outcome. Arbitration is something completely different. If negotiations fail the conflict can be brought before an arbitrator who then decides on a solution. Negotiations run the gamut from as small as two parties all the way up to blocks of nations. Yet, the best practices for successful negotiation remained the same. Before the negotiation even begins do your homework! Think from your own side as well as from the other side. What do you think will be most important for them? It is most important to know what is non-negotiable for you. What is it you have to have or the least you can get out of the negotiation? It is also important to build trust and understanding with the other party or parties. The goal is a workable and livable solution, and not a “win.”

 

Mediation negotiation and facilitation are great tools for resolving disputes and conflicts. They cannot be a replacement for the legal system but may in some cases lead to more just outcomes. I like these tools because they give the parties most affected more say and control of the outcome. If you would like to learn more check out the links below:

Association for Conflict Resolution

Mediate.com

Facilitation