The Apology

Well, I said or did the wrong thing. And I accept responsibility for my actions. If left unaddressed things are just going to get worse and worse. This is all kinds of bad for relationships of all sorts. Doesn't matter if it's a close family member, a coworker, or a friend- a hurt left unaddressed will fester and grow worse with time. It can completely change how someone views me or you. A little time to reflect and I realize I need to apologize. The question is how. There are good ways to apologize and not so good ways.

 

We are going to assume there's a need to apologize and a value in continuing the relationship. If someone cuts you off in traffic, there's little chance they are going to apologize. The reason is simple, there's no relationship. Now an altercation with a family member or coworker is very different. There is a long and ongoing relationship. It's going to be hard to be around either, with an unaddressed wrong. An apology is an important step in addressing the wrong committed. I think the most important aspect of an apology is sincerity. If it's not sincere, the other person will likely see through it and that will only make matters worse. But I'm are sincere and want to do it right. Here are a few helpful suggestions I need to consider.

 

I'll take responsibility for my actions with I statements. I should admit I was at fault and empathize with the other person. Maybe I feel it is not completely my fault and the other person is also blameworthy.. That's okay but save that for later on. An apology should stand alone. I'll agree to not repeating the action that created the problem in the first place in the future. Even if I feel it was not my fault an apology is not the time to try and justify my actions. If I want to explain my side in more detail it is best to save this for another conversation when emotions have had time to cool off. 

 

I'll listen carefully to how the other person responds. If it's with sarcasm and anger it may be a good idea to continue the conversation later. However, if they explain the cause of the hurt, frustration and anger I should listen carefully. To be sure I get what they are saying I'll repeat back to them in my own words what they are telling you so they know I fully understand. Once again, I'll empathize. The last step is the most important one.

 

Now for the most important part- I don't repeat the behavior or actions that caused the problem in the first place. I learn from the mistake and move forward. There is little worse than a sincere sounding apology followed up with no corrective action. This will likely make matters even worse had I not even apologized in the first place. The other person will view me as someone who doesn't keep my word and is untrustworthy. Most people are willing to give a second chance. They are less likely to give a third, fourth, or fifth chance.