Conflict is all around us. We can experience conflict at home with our family, on the job, out for a good time with friends, really just about anywhere. The cause can be almost anything. What I think may be helpful is examining how we communicate during an altercation. The goal is not to win, rather get a Just outcome. The win at any cost mentality may be great for sports or even business sometimes. You have to ask yourself is winning worth this relationship or relationships? Let's consider physical presence, listening and speaking.
Give people space. Getting into someone's face is going to do nothing to make the situation better. However, it is a great way to escalate things! So stay a respectable distance with your arms loosely at your side. Crossing your arms over your chest appears weak and defensive to me. If things degenerate into a physical altercation, there are far more qualified people than me to give you guidance on physical self-defense. One thing I can say is projecting self-confidence can be enough to avoid a confrontation in the first place. While keeping a respectable distance, be close enough to hear what the other person is saying.
Too often while we are angry or upset, we just listen for the other person to stop speaking so we can speak. We don't try to hear or understand what they are saying. I'm sure you can remember countless times doing this and it goes nowhere. Slamming your point home, getting in a good witty dig or an insult may feel really, really good in the moment. It will do nothing to resolve the situation and any sense of pleasure you gain from it will be fleeting. What's a better alternative? Get past your emotions and listen to understand what the person is saying. If you don't understand what has them upset, ask them to explain it in a different way. If you think you understand what they mean ask if you can repeat what they mean back to them. Try to phrase it differently while getting the same point across. The simple act of simply hearing someone out will go a long way toward finding a resolution. For bonus points, if you feel empathetic, say so. If it doesn't feel forced or insincere thank them for giving their point of view. Let the person finish speaking without interruptions. Now you are ready to speak!
Keep your voice low and calm. I think of it like a little louder than my library voice. Take a moment and think carefully before you speak. There is nothing wrong with silence. It gives both parties time to think. Talking loud or yelling is only going to make matters worse. I have used the word “you” far too often in this blog post. Do all you can to strike the word you from your vocabulary! If I say you did this / you did that it puts the other person on the defensive. Use I instead whenever possible. Using I is taking ownership of what you say. Let's see how this works.
“You were threatening me!” Now there's a good way to put the other person on the defensive!
“I really felt threatened by what you were doing.” Yes, “you” is still in there but it is preceded by I. It may be subtle but using I is less threatening to others. It gives them a chance to explain what they were doing without feeling like they are being personally attacked.
When in a disagreement with someone, try to find a resolution both people can live with. In our hyper competitive culture, we too often try to “win.” This approach rarely if ever works. Remember to be self-confident, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and think before you speak.
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