Tools of Self-Control

We don't lash out at strangers. We don't know how they may react, especially in this time of road rage and gun violence. Unfortunately, we often save our fury for those around us who we know well and love the most. This can be as simple as a verbal disagreement over something minor, or taken to the extreme, can be domestic violence. The key is to recognize what's going on and deescalate. Why am I getting irrationally angry, why is my spouse getting irrationally angry? Is it for the minor misunderstanding that started the altercation or is it something completely unrelated?

 

When I find myself growing angry with someone, I'm reminded of what someone told me a long time ago. It's likely I'm angry with myself for some reason. So, I try to pause and do a little self-reflection to figure out what it is that's really upsetting me. More often than not, it's not the building altercation. Maybe it's some unaddressed issue, worry or irrational fear. The important thing is to slow down, pause and take a breath. That will give me a moment to search for the root cause of whatever is bothering me. I can then address it and not take out frustrations on those around me. If I discover what's really bothering me, I can address it with the help of my spouse or whoever I'm upset with at the time. Take a breath and think it through! It could also be something as simple as hunger or thirst making me feel uncomfortable and irritable.

 

What should I do when I'm on the receiving end of someone's anger? I need to ask myself do they have a legitimate concern? If they do, I need to own up to my own error and take responsibility for my actions. I also need to let the person know I hear and understand what they are saying. Maybe an apology is in order. The worst thing I can do is blame them for my behavior or blame someone else. In addition to accepting responsibility, I need to change the behavior that caused the problem in the first place. Even if I don't feel responsible for the other person’s anger, I still need to hear them out and try to figure out why they are upset. The challenge is doing this without sounding overly defensive. A tool I like to use is asking sincere questions. What's wrong? When did this start? How does it make you feel? What can I do better? What's hard to convey here is tone of voice. Mind how you ask questions.

 

I want to be the best version of myself for those around me. I know this cannot be the case 100% of the time. Being the best version of me means taking responsibility for my actions, a willingness to apologize when necessary and changing my behavior. It also means being empathetic and keeping my emotions under control. If we say and do things in anger, it will only make the situation worse. I need to be present and listen attentively to what the other person is saying. The most valuable thing we have is our time. We should share it fully with those around us.