Conversations for the Later Stages of Life

We don't like to think about the last phase of our life nor the end of our life. Most of us would rather think about anything but these. Unfortunately, time moves forward and does not care. And after we are gone- everything about us will be without us. There are at least three crucial conversations we all need to have with friends and family as we move into old age.

 

What do you want to happen if you are terminally ill and dependent on machines to keep you alive? Do you want to be taken off life support or be kept on in the hope medical science can resolve your problems? Do you want others in your family to have a say in this decision? Perhaps so. I think ultimately the final decision is up to us. If you wait to make this decision too long, it will be made by others for you. It's not something you should ask others to do. Some may spend the rest of their lives agonizing over whether they made the right decision for you or not. Get a Living Will and discuss it with friends and family before it becomes an issue.

 

What kind of care do you want if you can no longer care for yourself? There will come a time when family cannot give the care you need. Giving 24/7 care for someone who can do little to nothing for themselves is no simple task. Prepare for this ahead of time. This is another conversation that is essential for avoiding trouble down the road. You want to have a say in what kind of care you get and where. Those around you need to know your wishes. Workout with friends and family who will see you and advocate for you when needed. Plan for how care can be paid for. Set aside money and maybe consider buying Long-Term Care Insurance.

 

Who will get what after you're gone? You have worked hard and built substantial wealth. The last thing you want is friends and family fighting over who gets what in protracted, costly legal battles after you are gone. Yes, I think people fundamentally want to do the right thing but when money's involved, behaviors change. Create a will and discuss it with family and friends. Let people ask questions and answer them honestly. You can meet with people one-on-one and I would also meet with people in a group. Having several friends and family members around makes a “he said she said” situation less likely. It doesn't have to be only one meeting, you can do several. It's not the most fun conversation but one that can save a lot of conflict and strife down the road for your loved ones.

 

I'm sure there are many other important conversations to have. Most will be specific to the situation and those around you. Perhaps there is fence mending that needs to be completed or other lingering unaddressed issues that need to be dealt with. Each one of us is different and so the needs will be different. I think the three things above-who will get what after you're gone, how to handle elder care and do you want a living will or not are crucial for avoiding protracted conflict after you are gone. What conversations have I missed?

The Apology

Well, I said or did the wrong thing. And I accept responsibility for my actions. If left unaddressed things are just going to get worse and worse. This is all kinds of bad for relationships of all sorts. Doesn't matter if it's a close family member, a coworker, or a friend- a hurt left unaddressed will fester and grow worse with time. It can completely change how someone views me or you. A little time to reflect and I realize I need to apologize. The question is how. There are good ways to apologize and not so good ways.

 

We are going to assume there's a need to apologize and a value in continuing the relationship. If someone cuts you off in traffic, there's little chance they are going to apologize. The reason is simple, there's no relationship. Now an altercation with a family member or coworker is very different. There is a long and ongoing relationship. It's going to be hard to be around either, with an unaddressed wrong. An apology is an important step in addressing the wrong committed. I think the most important aspect of an apology is sincerity. If it's not sincere, the other person will likely see through it and that will only make matters worse. But I'm are sincere and want to do it right. Here are a few helpful suggestions I need to consider.

 

I'll take responsibility for my actions with I statements. I should admit I was at fault and empathize with the other person. Maybe I feel it is not completely my fault and the other person is also blameworthy.. That's okay but save that for later on. An apology should stand alone. I'll agree to not repeating the action that created the problem in the first place in the future. Even if I feel it was not my fault an apology is not the time to try and justify my actions. If I want to explain my side in more detail it is best to save this for another conversation when emotions have had time to cool off. 

 

I'll listen carefully to how the other person responds. If it's with sarcasm and anger it may be a good idea to continue the conversation later. However, if they explain the cause of the hurt, frustration and anger I should listen carefully. To be sure I get what they are saying I'll repeat back to them in my own words what they are telling you so they know I fully understand. Once again, I'll empathize. The last step is the most important one.

 

Now for the most important part- I don't repeat the behavior or actions that caused the problem in the first place. I learn from the mistake and move forward. There is little worse than a sincere sounding apology followed up with no corrective action. This will likely make matters even worse had I not even apologized in the first place. The other person will view me as someone who doesn't keep my word and is untrustworthy. Most people are willing to give a second chance. They are less likely to give a third, fourth, or fifth chance.

 

Some Tools of Alternative Dispute Resolution

 

When we think of serious conflict here in the US, we think of the legal system. Have a serious disagreement with a neighbor, a family member or whoever, you can take them to court. If actual laws are broken, the state or federal government will take them to court. It's true, we are a nation of laws and no one is above the law, not even ex-presidents, as we are finding out. In our constitution we have protections and rights and let's not forget responsibilities. No doubt, there is a lot of good in our system. Although it's slow, I think we get just outcomes. Yes, there are serious problems like one justice system for the wealthy and another for the poor. Our legal system is expensive, cumbersome and very bureaucratic. That's hardly a good way to settle a minor dispute with a neighbor or family member. This is where alternative dispute resolution comes in.

 

Alternative dispute resolution uses tools such as mediation, negotiation, and facilitation to help people resolve their differences. These tools are great but I don't think they can replace the legal system. However, they can help. Instead of going to lawyers, judges and outsiders determining who gets what traditional route of divorce a couple can now get a mediated divorce. For this to work, I think the couple should at least be on speaking terms. Personally, I don't think this is an option if child abuse or other forms of domestic violence are occurring. That is clearly best left to the courts to sort out. That said, many couples may benefit separating via mediated divorce. The court system can drag on for months and months and possibly even years via delays and appeals while mediated settlements can be reached much quicker and still be legally binding. This can free up the court system four more pressing societal problems like violent crime.

 

Mediation gives the parties in a dispute more control over the outcome then they would have going to court. The conflicting parties have an opportunity to meet face to face and listen to each other. Mediation is not about winning. The idea is to find solutions to problems both sides can live with. I've seen this firsthand. There was an extended family involved in a drawn out court battle over a substantial estate. Meeting together with a mediator they were able to successfully resolve who got what in less than six hours. It was nice seeing people leave happy and once again on speaking terms after being estranged for years! I don't think either side won in the traditional sense but they did find solutions everyone could live with. Another tool of alternative dispute resolution is facilitation.

 

Sometimes groups can get bogged down, unable to help their organization move forward. Meetings become counterproductive and in the worst case sometimes make matters worse. Members of an organization in a meeting create a system. Each person takes on a role within that system. That's great until the system stops functioning properly. Bad attitudes, big egos and hunger for power (even within a small organization) can stymie growth and innovation. Getting things done or trying to make changes becomes next to impossible. This may be a good time to call in a professional facilitator. A facilitator simply by being there changes the system. Those with bad attitudes, big egos and power trips are less likely to act out with an unknown person in the room. Depending on the need, the facilitator can work with the group to lay out ground rules and goals for the meeting. It's important to note although a facilitator may suggest some ground rules, it is up to the people in the meeting to approve them along with their own proposed rules. Once again control is in the hands of the attendees and not being an imposed by someone else. Facilitation can be a great way to get things unstuck and moving forward again. 

 

Another tool in the alternative dispute resolution toolbox is negotiation. Like mediation and facilitation, the emphasis is on giving the parties more say and control in the outcome. Arbitration is something completely different. If negotiations fail the conflict can be brought before an arbitrator who then decides on a solution. Negotiations run the gamut from as small as two parties all the way up to blocks of nations. Yet, the best practices for successful negotiation remained the same. Before the negotiation even begins do your homework! Think from your own side as well as from the other side. What do you think will be most important for them? It is most important to know what is non-negotiable for you. What is it you have to have or the least you can get out of the negotiation? It is also important to build trust and understanding with the other party or parties. The goal is a workable and livable solution, and not a “win.”

 

Mediation negotiation and facilitation are great tools for resolving disputes and conflicts. They cannot be a replacement for the legal system but may in some cases lead to more just outcomes. I like these tools because they give the parties most affected more say and control of the outcome. If you would like to learn more check out the links below:

Association for Conflict Resolution

Mediate.com

Facilitation 

                 

Conflict Resolution Readings

 

TRANSCEND International

Association for Conflict Resolution

UN Peace and Conflict Resolution 

Helping Communities Resolve Conflicts Through Mediation

Conflict Resolution Techniques: What’s a Facilitator to Do?

Communicating in Conflict

 

Conflict is all around us. We can experience conflict at home with our family, on the job, out for a good time with friends, really just about anywhere. The cause can be almost anything. What I think may be helpful is examining how we communicate during an altercation. The goal is not to win, rather get a Just outcome. The win at any cost mentality may be great for sports or even business sometimes. You have to ask yourself is winning worth this relationship or relationships? Let's consider physical presence, listening and speaking.

 

Give people space. Getting into someone's face is going to do nothing to make the situation better. However, it is a great way to escalate things! So stay a respectable distance with your arms loosely at your side. Crossing your arms over your chest appears weak and defensive to me. If things degenerate into a physical altercation, there are far more qualified people than me to give you guidance on physical self-defense. One thing I can say is projecting self-confidence can be enough to avoid a confrontation in the first place. While keeping a respectable distance, be close enough to hear what the other person is saying.

 

Too often while we are angry or upset, we just listen for the other person to stop speaking so we can speak. We don't try to hear or understand what they are saying. I'm sure you can remember countless times doing this and it goes nowhere. Slamming your point home, getting in a good witty dig or an insult may feel really, really good in the moment. It will do nothing to resolve the situation and any sense of pleasure you gain from it will be fleeting. What's a better alternative? Get past your emotions and listen to understand what the person is saying. If you don't understand what has them upset, ask them to explain it in a different way. If you think you understand what they mean ask if you can repeat what they mean back to them. Try to phrase it differently while getting the same point across. The simple act of simply hearing someone out will go a long way toward finding a resolution. For bonus points, if you feel empathetic, say so. If it doesn't feel forced or insincere thank them for giving their point of view. Let the person finish speaking without interruptions. Now you are ready to speak!

 

Keep your voice low and calm. I think of it like a little louder than my library voice. Take a moment and think carefully before you speak. There is nothing wrong with silence. It gives both parties time to think. Talking loud or yelling is only going to make matters worse. I have used the word “you” far too often in this blog post. Do all you can to strike the word you from your vocabulary! If I say you did this / you did that it puts the other person on the defensive. Use I instead whenever possible. Using I is taking ownership of what you say. Let's see how this works.

 

“You were threatening me!” Now there's a good way to put the other person on the defensive!

 

“I really felt threatened by what you were doing.” Yes, “you” is still in there but it is preceded by I. It may be subtle but using I is less threatening to others. It gives them a chance to explain what they were doing without feeling like they are being personally attacked.

 

When in a disagreement with someone, try to find a resolution both people can live with. In our hyper competitive culture, we too often try to “win.” This approach rarely if ever works. Remember to be self-confident, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and think before you speak.