Step 1 Listen

Take a breath and listen. When we are upset with another person or people it is all too easy to shut down and not hear what they are saying. We become too focused on our own needs and wants (we take a position that needs defending). We start talking past each other instead of with each other. The others often do the same and the conflict seems insurmountable and all involved soon feel powerless and unsure how to proceed. The conflict stagnates with the parties ignoring the problem; avoidance. At best things do not get worse but the issues persist. Depending on the situation, things get uglier leading to blow ups and deeper feelings of helplessness and uncertainty. Here in the USA, we are more direct when the conflicting parties finally agree to work out their differences. A mediator can help facilitate direct discussion between the people in conflict. Other cultures take a less direct approach which is still effective (we’ll explore this further in a future post).


In large part, conflict is caused by feelings of inequality. “Some of us are treated more fairly than others.” In other words, we are treated less equitably. This becomes even worse when we feel we are not even being heard by those we are in conflict with. Not listening is a powerful tool for dehumanizing others. For me, not listening says “Pay them no mind, they count for anything.” It is not only those I’m in conflict with, I too can be just as guilty. When nothing is being herd, problems cannot be resolved. They stay the same or more likely, deepen with time. All concerned feel they are being treated unfairly and less than equal. I think a good first step is getting people to sit down together in a safe neutral space with a professional mediator / facilitator where all are given an opportunity to be heard.

Sitting down with those we are in conflict with cannot be forced. A “forced” mediation goes against the spirit of mediation as I understand and practice it. For mediation to have a chance to work, all involved have to want to be there. I think being forced to go to a mediation will only increase feelings of powerlessness and inequality. Once everyone agrees and shows up a big step in the right direction occurs. People want to resolve the issues instead of avoiding them. It does not hurt to remind the parties of this big first step. Something can be done! Basic ground rules have to be agreed to and set by the parties. The mediator’s role is to facilitate this process, not guide or control it. Ground rules can be simple. Things like:

1. Listen and do not interrupt each other.

2. Assume the other’s good intentions.

3. The Mediator must remain impartial.

4. Each person is entitled to their viewpoint.


Listening is an important way to reverse dehumanization. We all need to be heard, understood and acknowledged. One way to demonstrate this is to repeat back to the speaker what they are saying. “Let me be sure I understand you…and rephrase what they are saying.” Also, asking follow up question for clarification can be helpful for both the listener and the speaker. The speaker can see the problem in a new way by being asked to explain more. If I feel I’m truly being listened to I’m much more likely to take the next step toward finding a solution.