10 Good Questions

1. Let me be sure I understand you? You said…


This is a good way to be sure you are getting the message and it affirms what the person is saying.



2. Can you tell me more?

This is a simple question to get more details. The speaker feels heard which can be a big step toward getting the issue resolved.


3. How would you see the problem from the other person’s point of view?

This is a way to get a party to try and “stand in the other party’s shoes” and consider the situation from another point of view.


4. What can we agree on?

Looking for commonalities can show where agreement is and is not. It can also reduce dehumanizing that may have occurred in the past and rebuild trust.


5. How is this disagreement affecting your life over all?

People may not realize how big an impact a conflict is having on others. Again, this helps humanize the other parties.


6. What are some possible solutions?

This gets the people thinking on how to resolve the problem.



7. In your view, what are the essential issue(s)?

The answers may not always be obvious and can open new paths to resolution.


8. How can the agreement / resolution be enforced / kept?

Sets up the next steps.


9. Who all is affected by this conflict and do they need to be a part of this discussion?

All the stakeholders at the table. Are others needed?


10. Is this an agreement / resolution everyone can live with?

Everyone will not leave happy. This finds out if everyone can truly accept what has been decided.

The Way it CAN Happen

In my experience, a facilitation often follows a path; Storming, Norming, Performing and even Mourning. Let’s look at each one a little closer.



Storming- This is the beginning where the people in the meeting begin to organize how the meeting will go. This is a time when everyone needs to decide on why we are here today and how are we going to organize to get the tasks done. Not all problems or issues can be resolved in a single meeting, duh! So the group has to nail down what they hope to accomplish and this is easier said than done. Different people are going to have different opinions on what is most pressing. The group has to build a realistic workable agenda. The facilitator has to stand back and let the group decide what that means and how to get it done. This leads us to the next part, norming.



Norming- determining the work flow and feel of the meeting. The group should take a few minutes and set up a few basic ground rules like in the post below. This not only gets everyone on the same page, put also demonstrates they can indeed work together and get something done. Depending on the group, it may not be a bad idea to point this out. “These rules you developed appear to be workable. Do we all agree to use these moving forward?” In addition to setting ground rules, it is important to build an agenda with time given for each item. People are busy and need to be able to plan the rest of their day. Sticking to the agreed times demonstrates discipline, professionalism and courtesy. The facilitator needs to enforce the times but only if the group is willing to go along. If the group wants to make changes, the facilitator needs to be able to adjust according to the will of the group. Let the group run!



Performing- Just what is says, the group accomplishes what it sat out in the beginning to do. People learn how to work together in a team oriented environment and when things go like they are supposed to, it can be an enjoyable and productive experience. Sure, there may well be speed bumps along the way but if the group sticks to the ground rules all agreed to, it should not be a big deal. If it goes really well, one more phase may follow, mourning.



Mourning- “Wow! I cannot believe how much we got done and everyone worked so well together. I wish everyday could be like that.” Some may have a sense of let down after it is over. If I have done my job as the facilitator, the participants will soon forget my name. Not because I did nothing or was a bad facilitator but I stayed out of the way.



Now here is the mushy part. These phases are by no means set in stone. A group can get to one level and fall back to another. Also, the phases can take place over multiple meetings. If your meetings are not going well, it may be time to call in a facilitator. I’m affordable, flexible and dependable.

All About Conflict Resolution

Transcend University

All About Mediation

Restorative Justice

Association For Conflict Resolution

On Gender and Conflict

10 Tips on Active Listening

Step 1 Listen

Take a breath and listen. When we are upset with another person or people it is all too easy to shut down and not hear what they are saying. We become too focused on our own needs and wants (we take a position that needs defending). We start talking past each other instead of with each other. The others often do the same and the conflict seems insurmountable and all involved soon feel powerless and unsure how to proceed. The conflict stagnates with the parties ignoring the problem; avoidance. At best things do not get worse but the issues persist. Depending on the situation, things get uglier leading to blow ups and deeper feelings of helplessness and uncertainty. Here in the USA, we are more direct when the conflicting parties finally agree to work out their differences. A mediator can help facilitate direct discussion between the people in conflict. Other cultures take a less direct approach which is still effective (we’ll explore this further in a future post).


In large part, conflict is caused by feelings of inequality. “Some of us are treated more fairly than others.” In other words, we are treated less equitably. This becomes even worse when we feel we are not even being heard by those we are in conflict with. Not listening is a powerful tool for dehumanizing others. For me, not listening says “Pay them no mind, they count for anything.” It is not only those I’m in conflict with, I too can be just as guilty. When nothing is being herd, problems cannot be resolved. They stay the same or more likely, deepen with time. All concerned feel they are being treated unfairly and less than equal. I think a good first step is getting people to sit down together in a safe neutral space with a professional mediator / facilitator where all are given an opportunity to be heard.

Sitting down with those we are in conflict with cannot be forced. A “forced” mediation goes against the spirit of mediation as I understand and practice it. For mediation to have a chance to work, all involved have to want to be there. I think being forced to go to a mediation will only increase feelings of powerlessness and inequality. Once everyone agrees and shows up a big step in the right direction occurs. People want to resolve the issues instead of avoiding them. It does not hurt to remind the parties of this big first step. Something can be done! Basic ground rules have to be agreed to and set by the parties. The mediator’s role is to facilitate this process, not guide or control it. Ground rules can be simple. Things like:

1. Listen and do not interrupt each other.

2. Assume the other’s good intentions.

3. The Mediator must remain impartial.

4. Each person is entitled to their viewpoint.


Listening is an important way to reverse dehumanization. We all need to be heard, understood and acknowledged. One way to demonstrate this is to repeat back to the speaker what they are saying. “Let me be sure I understand you…and rephrase what they are saying.” Also, asking follow up question for clarification can be helpful for both the listener and the speaker. The speaker can see the problem in a new way by being asked to explain more. If I feel I’m truly being listened to I’m much more likely to take the next step toward finding a solution.

For Best Results, Play Nice

I put this post on another blog and feel this is also a good place for it.

-P.

Let’s talk a little about Healthcare here in the USA. Healthcare is subjective, at least in my experience. “You could have had a ____ or a ____.” The human body is very complex (you may be thinking duh but stay with me). One doc may think it is a this or that while another may think otherwise. So the follow up tests will go. As best I can tell, they can tell when it is something serious and get it taken care of. It took two plus years to diagnose my heart bloc and I’m sure there was a chance I could have checked out. The docs figured it out in time for me to keep on writing and ranting as necessary. One thing to keep in mind is the heavy influence of lawyers and health insurance companies on the health care we get. Medical professionals want to avoid lawsuits and health insurance companies want to save money (they are a business first and foremost). I think the best way to overcome these undue influences is know as much as possible about your health condition. I think health care professionals are in it for the right reasons but they cannot ignore the insurance people and the lawyers. You can question what is going on as well as risks and alternative treatment options. I don’t mean make an ass of yourself. Questioning doctors (or anyone) needs to be done in a polite and respectful manner. If you make yourself into a pain in the ass, how is that going to help them help you? Asking good questions politely will let them know you are in the game and keep them on their toes. One of my docs admitted at one point he was not sure what was wrong with me. He said simply, “I don’t know.” I would rather hear that than some made up medical mumbo jumbo. He added that we would get to the right specialist and find out. I think for a doc to tell me, his patient that, he had to trust me. It may sound funny, but it made me trust him more. He was being honest. I can think of nothing worse than working with a doc I did not trust. I doubt I would or you would either.


I doubt I can do much trust building by being rude and confrontational to others. Medical professionals are overworked and stressed as it is. I don’t want to be someone who they want to get rid of as fast as possible. Sometimes, they can be rude and very curt. Not all have good bedside manners and can leave us feeling unheard, undervalued and dehumanized. Everybody has a bad day but if this happens more than a time or two; it is time to find a new doctor who will listen and you or I can trust.