Let's Talk About Agency

                 

Agency is the power we have over our own lives.  We feel like we are in control, are able to make decisions and choose between different possible outcomes. Our decisions do have an effect on our lives, we are in control. Having a strong sense of agency can make us more resilient in the face of uncertainty and change. “Whatever comes down the road, I can deal with it.” Agency is what prevents us from collapsing under pressure. So what does our agency have to do with conflict resolution?

Having agency means we have self control. We cannot control all of the events around us, but we can and must learn to control our reactions to things both good and bad. Agency is being able to stand alone for what we feel is right and just. Following the crowd is easy.  Standing back and saying “no” is more difficult. Agency is being able to take a breath and think things through and resist peer pressure when needed.  

Peer pressure  does not magically end after high school or college. We can face peer pressure throughout our lives. At work we may be pressured to look the other way while something shady is going on.  Churches can use peer pressure  to ensure conformity and discourage questioning.  Peer pressure may influence how we act at the gym. We wait for others to finish using the machine we want to use.  We mind our own business while still being courteous to others. Peer pressure is how we enforce social norms.  It does not always have to be negative. I don't want to cut in line because of peer pressure. A strong sense of agency makes us better at conflict resolution.

We are in control of our feelings and not the other way around. We know how to deliberately respond and not react impulsively.  We can take the time we need to slow down and choose words thoughtfully and carefully. We can avoid having others dictate our feelings.  Yes, agency is something we can get better at, practice and improve upon. 

Start small with just taking a slow breath when something stressful arises. mentally look at the problem from a different angle. What does the problem look like from above if you are looking down on it, for example? Who and what do you see?  Consider the motivations and intentions of others. I try to always assume good intentions.  Does the other person intend to be harmful or abusive or is it something else?  I'm not a religious person, but I really like this Bible quote: “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,”-- Jesus.  So take a minute to consider other intentions than merely trying to hurt your feelings. If you find yourself reacting without using agency,  responding in anger for example,  learn from it and try to do better next time. Learning to use your agency takes time.